My Experience with Bipolar Disorder is an Ugly One

I try to read about other people like me. I fit into some of the categories. Spending sprees, promiscuity, impulsive behavior, feelings of guilt and shame, worthlessness. The last one is a biggie for me. Also the feeling of not belonging. When I was younger, as young as 12, at my own birthday parties I felt like an outsider. I was watching a movie of someone else’s life. I would look in windows of stores and see happy couples or friends shopping together. I would think “Why can’t I be like them?” I never felt good enough and tried everything to get that feeling. Make up, hair products, expensive salons, clothes, expensive perfume, breast reduction, you name it. And went into bankruptcy doing it. I would see people I knew getting married and starting families while I was still partying to fill the ache in my chest. I feel grief like no other pain on earth. And it never goes away. Sometimes in a depressive state it’s like me entire body is made up of exposed nerves. I have had depressive episodes that lasted more than a year. Now I seam to be in mixed states. Having doctors tell me there isn’t anything left for me to try except more shock therapy. I just can’t do it. Once was horrific enough. Focusing on and replaying traumatic events is killing. I can’t watch my mother die over and over. But I do. Meds help a little. They help me stay out of bed, help my stutter and alleviate some of the crying. But it isn’t living. Family and friends limit the amount of time they talk to me. I don’t blame them. So I find myself alone most of the time. You don’t know what it’s like to go without human contact. Just a hug or to hold my hand. I have promised not to hurt myself. I won’t, only because I am scared about what happens when you die. If there was a guarantee I would be with my mom I would go in a heartbeat. But I still have things I want to do. So I keep trying.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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