What I Can’t Feel Anymore

I have stopped being able to feel joy, excitement, maybe even empathy. That feeling you get when you see a cute guy or someone you have a crush on. It’s all gone. I don’t know where it went. Even my love of shopping is gone. It has been a few years since I looked at a man and felt anything. Maybe I have been alone too long or it’s the medications. The last time I felt close to happy true happiness was at a zoo that had a special program for breeding wolves. A family was there first and the wolves wouldn’t come down off the rocks. The family was loud and getting annoyed. I waited them out and when they left I went into wolf mode. You have to know pack behavior, of course they were going to stay away from screaming kids and loud people. So I stood there quietly with my head down in a submissive way. One by one they all came to me and sat in front of me. I cried tears of joy they were so beautiful. That was the last time I felt like that it was over a year ago. My sister told me not to tell anyone that story because I sounded crazy. I said yup and I have the paperwork to prove it asshole. Someone always has to ruin something good. My dad understood. I want to feel good things again instead dread, sorrow and pain every day. People tell you to think positive snap out of it. DON’T YOU THINK I WOULD IF IT WAS THAT EASY? Do you honestly think anyone would chose to live this way? A loop of ugliness playing nonstop in your head that you can’t shut off no matter how hard you try. Some things dull it but nothing ever makes it go completely away. To feel uncomfortable in your own skin and the world around you almost your entire life is no way to live. But I do. I find a way. No matter how much I don’t want to I do. No one has even given me a hug in the longest time. Not even my twin sister. I’m not contagious just sad. And tomorrow is another day.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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