I Never Wanted To Be Them & What If I Am?

Since my sister and I were little I remember hiding when my ¬†Auntie Donna came to visit. She was diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic and had no filter. She thought the doctors were trying to kill her and my grandmother was in on it. She also didn’t think twice about telling me how fat I was or if I had a big pimple. As we got older we got better at avoiding her. My mother took it upon herself to make sure she was ok. I remember going to her apartment with my mom and the smell would have knocked you over. There were maggots on the ceiling leading down to the fridge where she had let everything rot. She also had her period and hadn’t cleaned or taken care of herself in weeks. When she talked she always sounded slightly drunk from the meds and was loud. She also cursed like a sailor. Her brother and my mother’s brother has the same diagnosis but hears voices and hallucinates. He has seen President Reagan land in a helicopter on his roof quite a few times. He manages his with heroin. He’s not so bad. He’s quieter and isn’t mean.

Auntie Donna called today. We have not talked much since my mother’s death. She went on and on about mental illness I half listened until she said her new Dr. said she was Bipolar not Schizophrenic I kind of lost my hearing after that. She did say her mothet made her Bipolar not genetics, I’m thinking her Dr. is the biggest f**king moron on the planet. Then I start thinking “do people hide when they know I am coming?” ” am I just like her but don’t know it?” my world is in pieces. My sister and I have always worried about this. I couldn’t talk to my sister today because she was “too busy and upset” about her friend. So I will let it build quietly inside me.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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