How I see Myself, The World, and Everything Around Me

I have been in a bad place mentally and physically for a long time now. It really started to be noticed around the beginning of October. Several things could be a factor. Celiacs like me go in to early menopause, the change in weather, the decline in my father’s health, info from the Dr. that wasn’t promising and my own declining health that I have not wanted to deal with. These are all triggers for Depressive episodes. Talking about drinking and my sobriety isn’t giving anyone advice. It’s questioning why I had better days then than I do now. If you had to be me for a day you might understand. I wake up around 10:30 – 11:00 a.m. trying to lift my head from the pillow. This is difficult because I am exhausted and the pain in my neck, head, and shoulders is severe. When I finally make it I have to find food that is appealing and doesn’t make me feel sick to my stomach just looking at it. Then I have to take my my meds. 3 and a half pills in the morning. If anyone talks to me before this I stutter and cry. I am then yelled at for stuttering and crying. Once I am settled I can sit in my recliner and go online or sometimes watch tv. If my small intestine is not leaking too badly I can do my jewelry and maybe some housework if my muscles allow it. I have a muscle wasting disease that makes my arms and legs weak. I also have another autoimmune problem leaving me open to all bacterial infections and a low white blood cell count and something to do with my bone marrow. If my small intestine isn’t happy the meds do not work as well leaving me in the past to sit and think and cry some more. Feeling like you are in a 12 foot hole with no way out but that’s ok because you belong there. You are nothing, never were, never will be. Excuse me for looking back at some of my drinking days and seeing them as better than this. Isolated, alone, a burden to everyone. And now being aware of it when you were not before. And yes as I have said before I have tried numerous therapists, shock therapy, every med made for Bipolar Disorder. I am staying with the 7 a day I take now, they have the least side effects and work a little better than all the others. I am not uneducated. In high school I took college courses in business management, Accounting and Psychology. I always had an A in English Literature. I have cognitive problems now but I didn’t always. I have had this hole in my chest for too long, longer than any human should have to endure. And the loop that plays in my head and haunts me with regret, guilt, shame, and sometimes hopelessness I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Only one person knows most of what I see and she is the only one to cry for me and ask how I can live with it. I tell her because I have to and I would miss her smiling ass, my best friend. We don’t really talk anymore, everyone has their own problems and sure as he’ll don’t want to hear mine. It will get better eventually and I’ll stay sober I just don’t need the criticism I can do that to myself.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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