What do You do When Your Hero’s Cape Falls Off

I have not been feeling well lately, I admit that. I have been crying often and have very little support. Some of this is my fault and some it is due to insurance. I can’t bring myself to actually get dressed and go to a Dr. When it is 20 degrees out and snowing it’s even harder for me. I live with my dad who is going through dialysis. He doesn’t always feel great either. He used to be my rock, we talked about everything. Animals, the news , movies, current events, just whatever was going on. We don’t do that anymore. He sits and looks on Ebay at clocks. I look at stuff on the computer and tv. If I try to talk to him he snaps at me because he can’t hear me or he doesn’t want to talk. I then cry. He then yells at me to “quit my crying” or says “jesus christ I thought you would be over this by now”. Meaning my Bipolar Disorder. Today was a really bad day, my sister hasn’t called me back in 3 days, my best friend hasn’t in over a week. So he started in again. I took the bait like an idiot saying I couldn’t really control it. Then the subject of ECT came up and he said he didn’t really have ECT and I said “really? Did the Dr. rub his feet on the carpet and shock me that way?” Cause that’s not how I remember it. Then he said he didn’t want to get into it. I was suppose to have more treatments. I said ” then you try it if you think it’s so great you’ll be on your goddamn knees begging for your mother! You couldn’t handle it!” Wrong things to say it was downhill from there. To minimize my experience was a shitty thing to do. A Dr. I didn’t know did the procedure, took all my meds away before and after it was done and wouldn’t release me when he was suppose to. Nothing went according to plan. Being forced to stay in a locked co-ed ward with mentally ill ¬†and detoxing patients was not what I signed on for. Being kept longer because you disagreed with the Dr. was something I still have nightmares about. Waking up thinking your 5 and your mommy is coming to get you (even though she is dead) is horrendous. Thinking this for most of the day until I remembered her death on my own was enough to make me want to bitchslap the Dr. for having the staff go along with this. Making it sound like a picnic was heartbreaking to me. Coming from the mouth of my hero, my rock. Trying to let it all go is something I struggle with. But I keep trying. Why I ask myself I don’t know. I want a better quality of life but it seams so allusive at times.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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