I can’t remember a time (sober) where I didn’t hate myself. From my hair, always too curly and frizzy, to my face, always a breakout somewhere and too pale, to my body, always too fat. These things were reinforced by others even the men I was intimate with. I have had men make elephant noises at me in public after just being with me the night before. When I drank and was manic there were times I felt attractive I don’t know why. So after being 250 pounds for years and now being 135 I am having a hard time adjusting.
I am going to several concerts soon. I have not been to a concert sober. I have not been to one at my new weight. I have no clue what to wear. When I was big people would say “you dress really well for someone your size” gee thanks! Now I am clueless. I look in the mirror and still see someone I don’t like. Oh and when people ask how I lost the weight I don’t lie. I tell them I have Celiac Disease and that I am Bipolar and between the two I lost weight. The response I always get is “so you didn’t do it the right way”. I can’t win. I should just lie. But why should I have to? No one will go clothes shopping with me. My best friend hates shopping and my sister has her reasons. So when 2 salesgirls helped me today and went out of their way to be nice because the saw how frustrated I was I couldn’t help but think these two strangers have shown more compassion and kindness than my own family members. Then they asked how come I didn’t have anyone with me to help me out. I started crying. One of the girls hugged me and said it’s ok. I told her I was sorry. I then explained why I was crying. She told me what days she worked so I could come back and try on more clothes and so she would have more time. They don’t work on commission so she was genuine. I am so sad about the people in my life it gives me a pain in my chest. I’m working on how I see myself now if they could work on understanding and accepting me I might have a chance.