Sometimes I forget to hold myself accountable for my actions and words. I also forget to give myself a break. I got myself to where I am today. It’s nice to be able to have the help of music and other things I enjoy. I am grateful that some people have reached out to me. I am grateful that some musicians and artists are honest in their own work. That being said, they are in no way responsible for any of my actions past or present. Or in the future. I can show my gratitude and respect but it doesn’t mean they are responsible for my well being. The only person who is, is me. I may not do the best job at it but it’s still up to me to do it. I am the one who needs to look up new advances in medicine, or side effects of medications, what scientists have found recently, or if my doctor is still the right fit for me.
If you have a doctor that discourages you from reading about an illness you have been diagnosed with than I suggest you look at other doctors. My favorite doctor is a Hematologist who was actually pleasantly surprised at what I knew about Celiac Disease and Bipolar Disorder. It made his job a little easier. He encouraged me to keep reading about my illnesses because medicine is constantly evolving. Too bad my primary care doctor and a few others do not see it that way. They take offense when questioned and rush you out the door without even listening. This is one of the reasons I have not been to a regular doctor in a year. I have only been to my Psychiatrist and had my kidneys tested by one blood test. Which showed something going on but not what. They couldn’t do further testing because it was just to see if I could donate to my dad.
So it’s my own fault that I’m ill. My hair is falling out, I have constant migraines, light hurts my eyes, I have pain in the upper middle of my stomach where my ulcer is and where I get gallbladder pain, I have pain under my right ribcage, my hands and feet swell, my neck and shoulders are almost unbearable, my face hurts whether this is from the two cysts in my sinus cavity or not I don’t know. I’m more and more confused and forget things. I see words rearranged and write them wrong. My skin has too much pigmentation in some areas and not enough in others. I’m probably going through menopause at 42 but a year ago my primary care doc said “no”. Women with Celiac tend to have Polycystic Ovary Disease and go through menopause early. I have always had all the symptoms of Polycystic but no one ever said anything, as usual. I have not had a period in over a year so…….? I’m celibate so unless I was visited by aliens there no other explanation. But it’s ok after April I will go to Boston where there is a Celiac Center and let them do what they want and they can also help with the Bipolar. I’m kind of done complaining with no one listening it’s time to just DO something about it. I don’t want to be on the outside looking in anymore.