I’m tired of being called paranoid when I am actually right about something. Same thing with delusional. What many people fail to understand is most Bipolar Disorder people are extremely observant, intelligent, and creative. I just have zero self-esteem unless pushed to the limit of my patience. Then a different person shows up. Mostly inside, but sometimes she speaks. This is where the trouble starts. I have never not even in my drinking days, intentionally set out to hurt another person. Retribution is another matter and happened once while drinking. It isn’t an excuse.
It isn’t my fault that I hear and see things others don’t. They don’t want to know subconsciously what is really going on. If I think it’s important enough I’ll drop a hint or two. If they come out and ask me and don’t like my answer then I’m paranoid or delusional. Time will go by and eventually they will find out for themselves. Do I get an apology? Nope. So now I say nothing even when asked.
Recently I did disclose some info confidentially to reassure someone without realizing who they were friendly with. Now this person no longer has any kind of contact with me. The person is extremely busy and has many others to correspond with. So now of course I’m thinking I did something bad. I feel guilty. Not unusual for me.
A point I am trying to make is just because you decide to get sober doesn’t make you a good person. If you were always a jerk you’re still going to be a jerk. If you always cheated, chances are until you figure out why you’re still going to cheat. That’s where the saying a “dry drunk” comes from. I know quite a few. They have never changed. They are still mean and nasty bullies. There are other issues going on but the mindset of just getting sober will fix everything is too strong. And always they are believed and I look like an ass until someday they slip up bad enough. I’m tired of it. It’s just too toxic. If you want to believe I’m just another crazy person who doesn’t know anything than that’s your right. I can change how I react to it. Or try to. It hurts more than anyone will ever know. Everyday it hurts like you’ve been shot in the chest. There’s this gaping hole that nothing can fill. No one talks to you, you spend holidays alone wondering what everyone else is doing. The saddest part is if you were invited you wouldn’t go out of fear. The monster in your head and the hole in your heart would keep you home where it’s safe. And then at these times you think of when you felt safe. So you think of your mom and the huge meals she would make and cry yourself to sleep.