I wake up crying, irritable and in pain. I don’t feel better until about 2 p.m. or so. During this time I will also stutter, the severity depends on what is going on around me. I also think everyone hates me, I am a burden, useless and want to disappear. This gets better as the day goes on. I have tried every medication and combo of meds. I have had a round of ECT. I really don’t even want to tell my doctor I’m in the hole again because he will want to try a new drug. I think there is 1 (Latuda) that I haven’t tried. It has the same side effects of another I was on that was horrendous. Raising my glucose levels and cholesterol levels also doing something to my gallbladder. I have Celiac Disease so a lot of meds work differently on me. My Celiac stays active even when I am Gluten Free.
I can’t handle the arguments this is causing between my sister and I. She thinks I am not doing something right. That I should have more self control and take responsibility for my actions. The world doesn’t revolve around me. I should stop blaming other people when I should know better. To hear all this is so frustrating and kills me inside. Just once I would like to hear “it wasn’t your fault I’m behind you 100%” is it too much to ask? To want someone in my corner to speak for me when I can’t?
One time in 42 years isn’t enough. When I upset myself by going over all the times I have given her money, watched her children, given rides, and been there for her. She doesn’t see it. She never has. My father agrees but won’t talk about it because it’s wrong to talk badly about one child to another. I don’t blame him. And he has enough stress. I can’t keep going on like this. Crying, stuttering, and panic attacks are ruining me. I have no life. I don’t know what’s left to try. I’m out of options and scared.