I just finished an article about Self-Worth. It said that my self-worth doesn’t depend on the approval of other people and I’ll never please everyone. I also can’t control what other people think or do. I am somewhat smart, and have read all of this before. I still continue the behavior. I’ll explain.
My twin sister and I have been disagreeing a lot lately. It is to the point where she doesn’t even really want to talk to me. On Wednesday I spent most of the day baking Gluten Free Peanut Butter Cookies with Peanut Butter & Chocolate Chips in them. I also bought these colored pencil kits she was talking about and gathered together all free samples I had. I’m a cosmetologist and still get samples, some are expensive. My thinking was if I gave her all this stuff she would love me. I brought my scissors too just in case. The hair stuff I only brought because she called the day before to invite me over and at the end of the conversation she mentioned she messed up on her color and tried to cut it herself. So she was actually inviting me over for a reason. I knew this and tried to buy or bribe her for affection anyway.
I do this with most people. I make jewelry. I don’t sell it. If someone says they like something I give it to them. I’ve given about 20 pieces to my hairdresser, I don’t count it as a tip that would be rude. The difference with her is she has sold a few for me and put some on Pinterest saying the kindest things about me. She appreciates them and built a rack to display them. She’s always excited to see me and gets mad when I bring her too much stuff. Somehow she knows why. It makes me cry. Which I was reprimanded for yesterday and told I would have to go home if I started crying.
My sister insists I need to go to a day group and a therapist. She’s never been to a day program around here or anywhere. It isn’t pleasant. At this time my brain will not take in therapy. I blank out. I’ve had 3 doctors say I can just talk at someone but CBT or DBT would be a waste of time right now. I’ve lost a significant amount of white matter and I still have swelling in the left ventricle who knows why? I get lost driving with my GPS!!! But I will going to the doctors that I’ve been avoiding because now I’m falling down.
Starting today I will not buy or make anyone anything unless they pay me. I shouldn’t feel like I have to bribe family members to spend time with me or love me. I’m a good person or at least I try to be. It’s time to remember that.