Everyone has to make their own decisions on how they treat their Depression, Addictions, Disorders, etc. I was at the end of my rope and couldn’t fight anymore after being in a depressive episode about a year. The last medication left me hallucinating. Seeing images of myself hanging from trees at the library. It was all I could take. I was sober but clearly not well. In a moment of impulse I had myself admitted to the hospital for ECT. Better known as shock therapy. Everyone experiences this differently. If I had been able to stay at the original hospital things might not have been so bad. But they found a blip on my EKG and were not equipped for if I had a heart attack. I was sent to a nearby hospital and that is where things went downhill.
There was one person there that showed compassion and sympathy. I don’t remember his name. I don’t remember quite a few things from that time and what I do remember isn’t pleasant. He worked as an orderly and was from Nigeria? Please forgive me if I’m wrong, he had a beautiful voice and spoke kindly. He was one of the few to treat me as a person and not a nuisance. For that I thank him. He never doubted my feelings or thoughts. I suspected this man had seen a few horrors of his own, it was in his eyes.
Even today when I am treated with unexpected kindness I cry. I try to hide it because I am so used to being reprimanded for it. Why? Why can’t I show my emotions without being seen as weak, weird, or crazy? I have always been sensitive for as long as I can remember. And I’ve always gotten in trouble for it. So now I have to hide, showing nothing. Anger is never allowed. I’m afraid if I open that box there will be no end to it. So it festers and boils indefinitely.