Just As I Thought

I went to the doctor today. He gave me a new medication to try. I’m pretty sure my insurance will give me a hassle about covering it and the co-pay will be ridiculous. The side effects sound fun. Another 6 weeks waiting to see if I can climb out of the 12 foot hole. Right now there isn’t one person to talk to.

It’s the isolation that’s getting to me. Years ago around this time I would be surrounded by people. I would be laughing and flirting. I would also be drunk. Depending on the environment and my mood I would either stay happy or the worm would turn and things would get ugly. I still miss it sometimes. Not the drinking, but getting ready to go out, laughing with my best friend and socializing. Of course I could only do that with alcohol. Now I could do it without it. I just don’t want to alone. At my age everyone is coupled up or has a set group of friends. So I stay home. And think too much. About the would’ve, could’ve, should’ves. It’s an endless cycle of self torture. Someday I’ll figure it out. Someday I’ll forgive. But not today.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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