I went to the doctor today. He gave me a new medication to try. I’m pretty sure my insurance will give me a hassle about covering it and the co-pay will be ridiculous. The side effects sound fun. Another 6 weeks waiting to see if I can climb out of the 12 foot hole. Right now there isn’t one person to talk to.
It’s the isolation that’s getting to me. Years ago around this time I would be surrounded by people. I would be laughing and flirting. I would also be drunk. Depending on the environment and my mood I would either stay happy or the worm would turn and things would get ugly. I still miss it sometimes. Not the drinking, but getting ready to go out, laughing with my best friend and socializing. Of course I could only do that with alcohol. Now I could do it without it. I just don’t want to alone. At my age everyone is coupled up or has a set group of friends. So I stay home. And think too much. About the would’ve, could’ve, should’ves. It’s an endless cycle of self torture. Someday I’ll figure it out. Someday I’ll forgive. But not today.
