I Wish

I wish I had a tiny camera in my head that would show the world what one day is like for me. I still wouldn’t be understood but maybe just maybe it would be a start.

A typical day starts with me waking up in pain from my neck, head , and shoulders. I usually wake up crying or with the feeling that I am going to cry. I make myself get out of bed and go downstairs to have breakfast. I take my morning meds. I am irritable, sad, lonely, and tired until about 2 p.m. I can’t find anyone willing to engage with me whether it’s texting or on the phone. Once in awhile I do. If my dad isn’t having a good day and is slamming doors or whatever I will start stuttering and crying. Sometimes around 2 p.m. I feel like I’m going stir crazy and have to leave the house. Today I had to go to the pharmacy where the lovely pharmacist made me sound like a junkie looking for a fix. She did this loud enough for other customers to hear. Of course I stuttered and tried not to cry. I was trying to get my Klonopin filled but was a few days early. The Dr. knew because I am going through withdrawal from Viibryd but he forgot to call it in. This pharmacist in particular is rude to me every time. So I left feeling like crazy loser. I then tortured myself with thoughts of my mom for awhile. Moved on to my sister, and then worried about my dad. Last but not least I thought I would throw in the “I’ll be alone for the rest of my life” bit. I don’t remember the drive to the mall. I didn’t even buy anything. That’s how bad it is. Had a panic attack in one store and had to leave. I sat in my car crying for 45 minutes then went home. This is a typical day for me. It doesn’t matter that I am being weaned off a med this still happens. People wonder why I get upset when they say stupid things about me “being the one in control” and “life is what you make it”. You think this is what I wanted? When I was younger I wanted kids, a husband, a house. Instead I spent 20 years drunk and now I’m going through early menopause at 42. Yup this is what I chose. A life of leisure, a bowl of laughs, it’s the best. Now excuse me while I vomit from withdrawal.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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