Monthly Archives: June 2015

Just A Slight Breakdown

I may be a little manic. I went to bed at 4:00 a.m. after speed reading a book, smoking a few cigarettes, drinking plenty of fluids, and being released from the hospital 3 days ago from Kidney Failure.

I haven’t read a book in almost a year, I was and still am obsessed with the fact that I’m not drinking enough water which I hate. My father thinks it’s a contest on who’s sicker, the town is doing construction at the end of my driveway, I saw myself completely naked for the first time, everything is spinning in my head and I never went back on my antidepressants because they don’t know if they contributed to the kidney failure. They haven’t been on the market long enough to know long term side effects.

Safe to say I’m a little manic.

To top it all off today I started sobbing right before my brother-in-law dropped my car off. The door was open so he walked in. He asked if I was ok. I couldn’t even lie. He hugged me and said “Hang in there.” Asked if I needed anything then said “I got my buddy waiting in the street so gotta go, ok?”. What was I going to say? “No, I’m actually thinking of taking one of the jackhammers to the town hall and seeing how they like it and I don’t give a rat’s ass if I get arrested and cry until my kidneys shrivel up.” See not such a great mood. I’ve heard that about kidneys.

My sister keeps asking why I’m making everything so difficult when I only have 2 things to do. Rest and keep hydrated. She forgets I live with the man that didn’t like us staying home sick from school unless blood, a high fever or a trip to the ER was involved. That went for work too. You didn’t take a day because you had a head cold. Never. Bad work ethic. She forgets. Then says “move out” like it’s the easiest thing to do when the man has stood by YOU when he was healthier and could. And she thinks you have money hidden somewhere. Ugh! Sorry! I’m going to read the end of the book from last night again. Delicious Foods I think the title is. I know it’s good but I was speed reading so I didn’t maintain much.

Strange Happenings

When I was in the hospital recently, ( you will see me write this a lot in the future), I had a few odd experiences. Some made me cry. One that stands out is when the hospital lost it’s access to water. I was exhausted, a little loopy with pain and in and out of sleep or consciousness. At one point I woke up to what I thought was parade music and people marching down the hall. There were workmen everywhere and a few had white handkerchiefs that I saw on the floor. Maybe I mistook them for confetti. The second time I woke up it was darker and I heard “Release Me” by Pearl Jam. I started crying and couldn’t stop even though it was extremely painful to cry, I just couldn’t stop. I thought of the DNR Order I was asked about. I thought about what it meant. I’m Bipolar for f**k’s sake should I be deciding that for myself? On most days I want to die for various reasons. Some rare days, with the sun on my face, at the beach or at an animal sanctuary or with my nephews I want to live and I’m almost happy. Hearing that song when I was waking up scared me. I didn’t know what it meant. Release me from everything I’ve been carrying around for far too long and let me, let myself be at peace. Or release me from this world to be free and with my mom who I loved so much.

My mom wouldn’t want that for me. She would want me to fight and get better health wise hoping the rest will also follow. That is what I’m going with. It’s what I’m going to try to do. It won’t be easy, it never is but anything worth having is worth the journey and the fight. Sounds cheesy but that’s me. Honesty. Crap, now I have Billy Joel stuck in my head. It’s still good.

Where I’ve Been~ Almost Dead

I finally went to the Emergency Room Tuesday after not feeling well for awhile. I knew in the back of my mind that something serious was going on when my feet started swelling 3 times their usual size. The intense pain in my head and neck worried me too. I still didn’t think it was going to be that bad or subconsciously maybe I had given up.

They took me in right away and took blood samples. I was exhausted and slept on and off while waiting. I told no one I was going and drove myself.

When a burly Irish doctor came over and sat down he took my hand. He looked upset, sad even. I felt bad for him. I didn’t know it was because he had bad news for me and all of the ER staff was upset. He said ” you need to call your family, it’s serious. Your creatinine level is 10 a normal level is a 1. You’re in Renal Failure and we don’t know why. We have to do surgery immediately.”

I was scared. I couldn’t get my sister to answer her phone and my dad wasn’t picking up either. They were telling me I could die and I had no one answering me. Another Dr. came in and asked about life saving measures, if I wanted them or not. I didn’t know. Finally my sister called back and came right away. They put stents in so urine could go from my kidneys to my bladder, which it had not been doing.

I was released late yesterday with no answers. I have to have many tests to figure out why this happened. The doctors that put the stents in said they had only seen damage like that in cases of TB. I don’t have TB. So the search is on.

The hospital I was at is not the best. On my 3rd day they lost access to water in all capacities. No flushing toilets, washing hands, nothing. I was being forced to urinate every 20 minutes to a half hour. My room did not have a bathroom in it. Nurses were irritated when I had to go because the IV had to be unplugged. If they ignored me I unplugged it myself and went to the bathroom across the hall. Then one of them got mad at me for doing this. I had no control after the surgery, when I had to go, I had to go.

The Bipolar Issue- A group of nurses were discussing me. One said that she was “going to pretend to be Bipolar so she could lose 120 pounds” and then they all laughed.

They didn’t give me 2 of my Bipolar meds because they didn’t have them 1 was Adderall and I’m pretty sure they had it. The other meds were generics but not like anything I had ever seen.

There were quite a few comments made about my Bipolar diagnosis and it left me feeling even more scared and alone. To make fun of a patient who is in a serious health crisis is like kicking a puppy. I was and still am disgusted.

The good part is that I want to get healthy and BE HAPPY no matter what. No more pity parties. It’s time to move on and move forward.

Taking Charge of Your Health!

Lately I have been feeling horrendous. And that’s putting it mildly. I continue to see my Psychiatrist but have not been to my Primary Care doctor in over a year. My last experience there wasn’t pleasant so I just haven’t been back. I have a lot of physical problems, it’s ridiculous to put my life at risk because one person ignored me and talked to me like I was challenged IQ wise. The problem was I advocated for myself and some doctors do not like this. They feel that they are being challenged or blamed. I also praised one of her colleagues that she had sent me to. He is a Hematologist. He was kind and encouraged me to learn everything I could, he was also impressed at how much I already knew. He made me feel like I wasn’t imagining things for a change. Her demeanor changed as soon as I talked about him.

I mentioned I had not had a period in several months and that I might be starting menopause. She just said “No you’re too young”. I told her women with Celiac start preparing for menopause sometimes at 35. No answer. I mentioned I thought I had a sinus infection. She just looked up from her computer and said “No, I don’t think so.” At this point I was angry so my response was ” Snot is supposed to be Army Green then?”. She didn’t respond. I’ve had enough sinus infections to know when I have one. I was so disappointed because until this appointment I liked her. Then today happened.

I looked up my medical records online. On one of the lab reports it said I have Type II Diabetes. No one told me. This was at least 2 years ago. It would’ve been nice to know. Lately my vision has been blurry, my feet are 3 times their normal size, my hands are swollen too, headaches, extreme constipation, weight loss, numbness in my legs and feet, nausea, stomach pain and a lot of other stuff. It’s been scary. I don’t know what’s what. What’s Celiac related, Bipolar related, med related, and now Diabetes related. In addition no one has addressed the swelling in my brain. The report that says it should be monitored frequently but hasn’t been since 2011.

So it’s time to put up or shut up. The Plan. New doctors. None of them are working for me and I have been with them for years. The Bipolar and Conversion Disorder is worse. My physical health is worse than my father’s and he’s in the last stage of kidney failure and on dialysis. I stumble like a drunk, can’t speak normally, cry at the drop of a hat, shake, spend most of my time in the bathroom, have maybe 1 to 3 hours a day where I don’t want to throw up, my head feels like it’s in a vice 24/7. I’m miserable. There are things I want/need/have to do. Enough is enough. I can’t be afraid anymore of what might be found. It can’t be any worse this. I need to be able to help my dad like he’s helped me. I want to travel. I want to LIVE.


I’ve mentioned previously that Mental Illness and Addiction is rampant on one side of my family. It’s actually quite severe. Scientists should have rounded up my grandmother, her siblings, and all offspring for a study when they had a chance. I’m certainly curious how one family could have so much illness and Addiction. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Brothers, Sisters, Nieces and Nephews. There are only a few that are not touched by it. But even that isn’t true because they were bystanders and effected in some way. We all were. With some I am ashamed to admit it annoyed or pissed me off. Often times my mother was left to deal with her families problems starting at an early age. She quit school in I believe the 6th grade. My grandmother kept having children and one point just left. She was in and out of their lives when she felt like it or needed something. There were 7 of them. My mother the oldest. When she passed away I have to say I felt angry that they weren’t on their knees giving thanks for all she had done for them. I’m being unfair. They took a lot of her time away from her own husband and kids without a second thought. But my mother was a person who gave too much of herself to help others. So much that eventually she had nothing left for herself. She was a fixer. I have learned not everyone can or wants to be fixed. These types of people will take you down with them. If someone is genuinely in need of help and I can , I will.

Both of my nieces have addiction problems and Mental Health problems. One was addicted to heroine and is Bipolar. Her younger sister cuts herself and I am not sure what her addiction is, I have been kept out of the loop on that. She fought hard to graduate high school and there was supposed to be a family party. She relapsed and they cancelled the party. My brother ( her father ) is no help.

For the first time today I broke rules and contacted her to offer support. I’m tired of watching how things are being handled. I’ve watched my sister-in-law do it her way for years now and IT ISN’T WORKING. She is of legal age and can decide who she wants to talk to. I didn’t push, I told her some of my story and that I’m here for her. Well that beautiful little girl of mine poured her heart out. Not really but she said ” Auntie Day I’m in so much pain and I don’t think I can do it anymore”. That’s all I needed to hear to know what point she was at. I’ve been there many times. I told her so. It helped her to know. It helped her to know one relapse doesn’t mean the end. Because I’ve been there too. I’ve had a relapse where I thought screw it and kept drinking for a few more years. And one where I haven’t looked back since, 6 years ago. We need to talk more about relapsing and how it isn’t a death sentence. It feels like one at the time but it doesn’t have to be. If we take the shame and humiliation out of it there would be more success in recovery. You can’t let one bad night ruin the time you put in trying and convince you to give up. I’m so happy I talked to her and we’re having lunch over the weekend. I just hope I’m doing things the right way, with love on my side I have to be.

ROCKFEST 2014 ~ Aaron Lewis

I wasn’t sure where I was going to post this or if I was going to post this. Then I remembered being at a show where Fight was playing. My best friend and I have always loved Rob Halford’s voice. I was close to the stage and someone kept touching my rear end. I would  try to look behind me but we were packed in like sardines. I was getting annoyed and I was drunk. Not a good combination for me or anyone around me at the time. But I was letting it go. That was until the person put his hand between my legs then it wasn’t going to be ignored. Since I couldn’t really move, but knew it was the guy behind me, I made a fist and swung it backwards connecting with his face. He wasn’t happy. Security wasn’t happy and was trying to get to me. I explained what was going on but they didn’t care. I was getting angrier.

At certain shows they didn’t like girls up front or in “the pit” because we got in their way. Bodyslamming was a guy thing. I didn’t spend money to be in the back of the room so these morons could run into each other. Another time we tried to get up front for Pantera. I was doing ok but my Barbie resembling friend wasn’t so I had to take a few elbows to the face to get to her. We were lucky there were some decent guys we knew that got involved to break it up. She was being groped everywhere and I was just getting stomped. Ridiculous times. But when you add alcohol to events like these, and a pack mentality, sometimes it’s what happens. What always bothered me was the acceptance of it.

When I found the YouTube video of Aaron Lewis stopping in the middle of playing to yell at some guys for touching an underage girl while she was body surfing I was blown away. It’s sad that I was because I haven’t seen it happen before. I have been to many, many shows in my time and that was the first time I’ve seen an artist intervene. In a perfect world he wouldn’t have had to but I give him credit for doing it when no one else has that I know of. Others may have but the way he did it was memorable. Maybe more will become aware of the problem.

Supporting Family When You Need Support & Other Issues

My sister finally calls this afternoon about our father. I started trying to reach her June 13 at 11:00 a.m. by calling, texting, facebook, and texting again. I refuse to call her husband to get in touch with her. I made it very clear that there was a situation going bad. She talks to him today and he makes everything sound normal. He doesn’t mention pushing me into the wall in his frazzled state and running around until he collapses. This is the last straw. I’ve had enough.

It isn’t just his treatment of me, his personality has changed due to the dialysis and he’s scared. I have seen him crying after he has been mean to me. I understand. I live with him and have always spent the most time with him. I told him today he needs to do his will. He doesn’t understand what my sister and brother will do. I told him straight out. They think they can just release the birds. As for his clocks they know nothing about them and don’t care. If the dogs are still alive they will have to be given to a shelter because I doubt they will be letting me stay long enough to find a place to live with all three of them. He didn’t think this would happen. I told him this is what was said to me. My sister and brother are not animal people so it wouldn’t bother them. They also don’t know that the birds won’t fly “away”. These types of birds will stay where they are. They have no clue about the clocks and the beauty of the workmanship that went into them. My sister mentioned selling the birds to restaurants, something my father would never do and has refused to do in the past.

About the neighbor. I personally inoculated these birds from disease by injecting them in the neck with the proper medicine just like a vet would do. She had seen something on tv. These birds are healthier than any you would find in a breeding program to increase the population of endangered species, which my father has a license to do. With only a 7th grade education. I’m proud as hell that he’s accomplished that. My sister and brother do not get this.

My brother (my father’s stepson) has not called or come over in about 6 months because my father doesn’t allow alcohol in the house and hates talking to someone that has been drinking. My father worries himself sick about what to do about him.

My sister never calls him or comes over. Her excuse is the dogs and that he knows how to use the phone too. He has called her many, many times with no response until I get involved. This makes me the bad guy.

So what I’m saying is they deserve nothing. I took care of my mother while she was dying in this house. They never came. I am now taking care of my father in the last stage of kidney failure on dialysis. I am the only one that offered a kidney. Mine are damaged. I didn’t know. I would give him the world if I could. He used to joke and smile with me all the time. Not anymore. He feels like I do. A burden. He isn’t, I just don’t want to lose him but at the same time he scares me.

My mom got pregnant on purpose. He was scared and left for awhile. When he came back that was it he was committed. He changed diapers, brushed our hair, fed us, my mom had one he had the other. He didn’t have to come back. But he did and chose to be the best father he knew how to be. He never really had one, there were no hugs in his family and no expressions of emotion. No one told each other “I love you”. He made sure that changed with us. How hard that had to have been for him. He said it was all because of my mom. I believe it.

Truth and Consequences in Writing As Me

I didn’t want to do this but I’m left with no choice at this point. My name is Dana Cook. I am a 42 year old Sober Bipolar woman from the East Coast New England area. My E-mail will say I’m Mary Smith because I didn’t set it up a friend did when E-mail first started many years ago. He suggested I not use my real name to be on the safe side and I just left it. I do have a twin sister 5 minutes younger than myself. I do have a half brother 7 years older than myself. My father is on dialysis because he contracted a rare virus probably from his birds, that went undiagnosed until it was too late. My mother passed away about 7 years ago from congestive heart failure, after surviving lung cancer and cervical cancer. Her name was Anna Jane Cook she was the best. She lived 7 more years with only one lung, and that one lung had emphysema but she fought and stayed as long as she could for me.

I am labeled “crazy”, “warning”, “discard”, and other things when my posts show up. I know this and it’s ok. I expect this to happen. DO NOT portray yourself as a great defender of the bullied, mentally ill, drunks and junkies in need, and then step on them when they are trying to do something therapeutic. If I’ve offended someone personally ok. As far as I know it has been nothing but praise. Now, my movie & tv blog is different. You are supposed to critique a performance or script and even then I do it in a respectful way because I love movies. They are my escape from this. The judging, labeling and shunning. Is this the real world or am I still in high school? Life is hard enough without this shit. There are some Bipolar people that score extremely high on an IQ test. It may take me 2 hours to write this but I’m one of those people. Or I used to be. I know who looks at my posts and who has other people look at my posts. It’s sad. I’m tired of being sad and looking for acceptance. So today I stop looking. If you read it fine you don’t also fine. It’s for me and anyone else that feels like me.

Like today is ok. Not great but ok. The neighbors complained about my dad’s birds so he’s mad. This makes my life difficult. He will break his back trying to fix it at 72 on dialysis and in 83 degree weather. Because he loves animals like I do. Me I want to cuss out the neighbors but can’t. I’ll just stutter and spit a little on them. But even that would be better than nothing. My dad is afraid because the neighbor has money. I said he also has a Napoleon Complex, and a need to sit on gigantic motorized objects for hours on end keeping me awake because his marriage is failing. My dad just looked at me with his mouth hanging open. When he recovered he said ” You are NOT TO GO OVER THERE”. I said I wouldn’t. I had my fingers crossed behind my back.

Proving Points

I have written about some of these topics before but they have come up again and I need to get them out somehow. My family has a hard time understanding any of it and are part of the problem.

Most of my life I have felt the need to prove I am “good enough”, “that I belong”, and I am not “worthless”. I have always felt this way and those feelings were reinforced by kids at school and sometimes family. I’ve mentioned before my twin sister and even though we are not identical aunts and uncles would get us confused. Their way of telling us apart was by me being the fat one and my sister the thin one. Even my mom would say things without thinking. Introducing my sister as the one in college with a boyfriend and turning to me and saying “oh and that’s her sister”. I never said anything, not even when I was laughed at in school and called names.

In high school I would go to parties with my best friend. My sister-in-law’s brother went to school with us and went to the same parties. He was cute and popular and so were his friends. I remember one of them mooing at me one night, my sister-in-law’s brother said nothing. I just drank more. This happened a few times until I was drunk enough to tell them off. It made things worse. I started showing up with a few guys from a new crowd that were older and bigger, they left me alone then. Problem was the new crowd was way worse.

When I went to bars I always tried to look my best even at 250 pounds. If a guy I liked was ignoring me I would drink more and act like an ass. Proving points my friend Christian called it. He also said I was proving points to people who weren’t worth it and I was hurting myself. He was right. I had been proving points my whole life.

My niece’s graduation party is soon and there will be people there I haven’t seen in a long time. They don’t know I have lost over 120 pounds and now have red hair. I mentioned wearing something nice to my sister and she got mad. She said it wasn’t my day or about me. She doesn’t understand how it feels to be at family functions constantly tugging on your clothes because you feel fat and ugly. I’m also thinner than her now it makes her mad. Where was she when I was being spit on and being called “a fat f**king pig”? She was having fun at college. She knows the humiliation I went through she just worries about herself. So I was told not to dress up or anything. My sister-in-law’s brother will be there. Did I mention he would flirt with me if we were alone? Funny. I will look my best no matter what anyone says. I’m not going to wear an evening gown or anything but I’ll try to look nice because I always did anyway. Shame on anyone that wants to take that away from me. To finally be ok with myself at 42 I think I deserve it.

Things That Make Me Angry

When my mother passed away several years ago relatives took it upon themselves to take pictures and other things that didn’t belong to them. It was under the assumption that we would get them back because they were doing a memorial table. I personally never saw any of it again. I guess my sister has and got some of it back. This is because she speaks up. Takes charge and tells it like it is or at least her version of how it is. It’s sad that I have to take photos of photos to have memories of my mother and even some great art my father did that she took from the house. My memory has suffered immensely. Except when it comes to things I want to forget. I can’t remember how to spell words that used to come to me so easily before. I get lost every time I leave the house and I’m using my GPS. Finding words in a conversation is embarrassing when you’re standing there and can’t think of the word “sail boat” even when you’re looking at one. I get frustrated and upset so the stuttering and shaking starts, then I’m embarrassed so tears well up in my eyes and I have to leave wherever I am. So these are photos I took. One is of my mother the other is a drawing my father did in the Navy. I’m not sure where my mom is it could be Fayettville, North Carolina where she was born.DSC00933 (2) DSC00936

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