I Think I’m Doing Bipolar Wrong

I came across some articles recently. I didn’t like them one bit. In fact I loathed them. They made Bipolar Disorder sound as if it was like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. All I had to do was click my heels together and I would be fine. More than fine in fact. As long as I learned the advantages of my Bipolar symptoms and understood them to a point where I could turn them on and off at will BECAUSE I understood them so deeply. But this does take effort! Each week you will have to focus on different subjects and coping tools. Tufts is doing this program or trying to now. It is based on Wooton’s Bipolar IN Order Theory. You embrace being Bipolar and the many gifts it has given you.

Let me stop now before I make myself sick. I apologize for only seeing Bipolar Disorder as a taker not a giver. Am I creative in some ways? Yes. Does it make up for the 265 days out of the year that I spend in a depression? No. It doesn’t make up for lost friends and family who find it exhausting to be around me either. Am I more observant? Yes. This leads to problems also. I am one of the the lucky few to have dual diagnoses. Making it harder to understand and treat me.

Would you feel blessed if you woke up with tears on your face and didn’t even know why? Almost every morning. And when you feel like a burden to everyone around you, is that a gift? I can’t control my stutter or my hands shaking but I am supposed to be able to learn to control Bipolar symptoms? I rarely know what day of the week it is. My memory is selective. It selects random images of things I don’t want to see or know anymore. I keep a dictionary and notebook next to me at all times. This is a great gift for my father who asks me to look up words for him.

So no I do not see Bipolar as a gift. Unless you put it in the same category as herpes, the gift that keeps on giving. I was functioning at one time, I had 2 jobs worked 70 hours a week and still had a social life. I was also drinking myself to death to maintain that normalcy. I know for a fact that I can’t follow this program. If this makes me weak so be it. I know my limitations and what will set me back. I cannot control my “symptoms”. If I could I would be out of this hole. I see no beauty in depression only darkness. Maybe my version of Bipolar comes with brutal honesty and not beautiful darkness.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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