One of my many problems is letting things go. If something is bothering me it will fill my head, spinning and spinning until I’m exhausted. I also make myself angry, frustrated and feel helpless to do anything about the situation. I have never liked confrontation unless I was drinking. Sober it’s extremely hard.
People or family will tell me to get over it. For them it’s easy. They have no problem speaking up. When you have Conversion Disorder like I do it’s almost impossible. My mind goes blank, I can’t find words, when I do find them my stuttering starts. It’s not a regular stutter. The only way to explain it, and I don’t want to offend anyone is how a deaf person sounds when they speak but add a stutter. It’s why when it happens my family gets so upset. Then the tremors start. The tremors are not only in my hands but in my vocal chords too. That’s why it sounds so bad. I have no control over any of it.
While in the hospital for my kidneys i was getting upset at how many times a person would come in to ask about a DNR. Do Not Resuscitate. I’m Bipolar, I was scared, my family wasn’t with me, I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I wanted them to stop asking.
Along with the DNR question they continuously asked me what my Faith was/is. I didn’t want to tell them. My beliefs are not popular and they are my own. But they wouldn’t leave me alone about it. The pushing was becoming too much and I was afraid I would burst out with something sarcastic under the influence of the meds they were giving me. And sure enough I did. Certain medications effect me like alcohol but I was going in for surgery and wasn’t having it done without them. I lean towards Atheism and it isn’t a popular view. Sure enough after surgery they asked if I wanted to speak to one of their Spiritual Advisors. The meds were gone so I pretended to be too weak and tired.
I shouldn’t have to go through all of that when I’m already under stress and scared. There are still no answers and I have to have a biopsy done to find out what caused my kidneys to fail. The few reasons they gave me are not good ones. The outcome of all of them is bad. I’ve been keeping some of this from my dad so he doesn’t worry. But I guess I do have to make a decision about the DNR. I’m just scared.