What I Thought And What It Is: Being A Twin

She came out 5 minutes after me. A beautiful blue eyed baby girl. Right away they said she was different than me. She demanded her bottle, pushed my hand away from her, and knew what she wanted. I was the quieter one, patiently waiting to be noticed or for my turn to come.

I had problems early on with things like nosebleeds in my crib. It was the kind on wheels and unfortunately one night I had stood up and smeared blood all over the walls while rocking the crib across the floor. My parents had gone out for the evening so when the babysitter came in she thought I had been stabbed and called the police. Not good. So I mistakenly received attention. I also had a habit of rocking or bouncing my head to get to sleep or in the car. Another oddity. As twins my mother liked to dress us the same. We’re fraternal but people still had trouble telling us apart. My sister loathed the idea. I didn’t mind.

Starting in kindergarten they separated us. Twins were not allowed to be in the same classes at all. This frightened me and excited/relieved my sister.

I was not allowed to have the same friends as my sister. This was her rule not mine.

As we got older she would borrow money from me for rent or food. I never got it back but I thought she’s my twin sister it’s ok.

She never liked it when I introduced her as my twin sister. She would say ” Why do you have to do that? Why does everyone have to know we are twins? Why does it matter?”

It mattered because no one will ever know her or love her longer or stronger than I do.

I always thought twins shared a special bond. We don’t. I’ve tried so hard to get her to love and accept me, to just spend time with me, I have begged. It falls on deaf ears. When she says she can’t because she’s meeting friends I want to scream. She knows why I’m asking. She knows I’m at the end of my rope. She just doesn’t want to deal with it. But she expects me to deal with her issues or she’ll never talk to me again.

I’m having a biopsy on Friday and it’s risky. My poor dad has to drop me off before going to dialysis because she has to meet her friend. She might be there when I wake up. The Dr. called last night for me to get a prescription because when I went for my pre-op test the urine test was complete blood. It even shocked the lab tech. So this biopsy is now riskier. I do not do well with anesthesia. I usually wake up crying. I am better if I see a familiar face. Why did I always think we should be closer? That being twins gave us a special bond? Was it the movies, tv, books, or my own imagination? This is another feeling of grief I can’t let go of.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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