Love, Hate, Jealousy And Sibling Rivalry

The word Love means to treasure, respect, and cherish. Hate means to loathe, detest, and despise. Jealousy means to envy, be resentful, and spiteful. I feel all of these when it comes to my fraternal twin sister. Experts would call this Sibling Rivalry. I wouldn’t.

Scientists and Psychologists who have researched the subject say it has to do with the birth order and your parents. Maybe. My mother could have fed into the problem a little. The experts talk a lot about competitiveness. We never really were. I didn’t find out how my sister honestly felt until a few years ago. I was hurt and surprised. Our relationship has been going slowly downhill from there.

When I look back on things I feel like a fool. All the money I gave her, the gifts I bought her, and the favors I did. I did all of these things because I love her and I wanted her to love me back the same way. I didn’t know that wasn’t possible.

I still try to make her love me more. Even though I know you can’t force someone to do something they aren’t capable of. She does love me, I’m just not in her top 5. It sounds silly but it’s the only way to explain it.

My dad thinks I hate my sister or I am jealous of her. This is because I do complain about her frequently. I just can’t wrap my brain around her selfish disregard.

She hardly ever calls our father. He’s on dialysis and depressed. Her excuse is that he knows how to use a phone too. She NEVER answers her phone. She NEVER checks her messages. I had to text 911 in ER KIDNEY FAILURE! while my hands were shaking and the doctors were working on me because she wasn’t answering when the Hospital kept calling. She monitors her calls but reads any texts. I would’ve called my dad but he was at dialysis.

She told me a few years ago, after our mom died that I got all the attention and she got none. I got attention because I’m a screw up. My parents were too worried about me killing myself, getting arrested, and drinking to acknowledge all of her accomplishments. She had to pay her own way through college, (not true), and be “the good one”. My parents helped her with college and she chose to live in a house near campus even though our house was only 15 minutes from the college. This put a strain on my parents finances. Our family was lower middle-class. She didn’t care. I even paid her rent on many occasions when she had spent what my parents had given her. I didn’t go to college. She resented me but didn’t mind taking money from me. I was not allowed to go to her house near the college. I guess I can’t blame her because I was drinking. I wasn’t drunk 24 hours a day 7 days a week. She could’ve had me over for lunch without my turning into a monster and guzzling all the booze in the place. She never answered her phone then either.

When my mother was sick she would moan and cry throughout the night. She couldn’t make it to the bathroom a lot towards the end but refused Adult Diapers. She was embarrassed and we didn’t know just how bad she was. I would have to get up in the middle of the night to clean her and change the bed. I slept little that year. I worked 50 or more hours a week and took care of my mom. My sister was nowhere to be found. She was living with her husband and expecting her first child. She was so happy and excited. My mom was too but she was sad because she wanted to be a part of everything but instead my sister was going to her mother-in-law. It hurt my mom to know this. At the baby shower my mom was put in a corner and made comfortable out of sight. I was furious. Meanwhile all the guests were saying sorry to my sister because it must be so stressful to deal with having your first baby and a sick parent. I wanted to scream “She doesn’t deal! I do!”. But what would be the point? I had a chance to take a vacation at the end of the 5th month of her pregnancy. I didn’t want to go far because of my mom. I decided to ask my sister if she wanted to go to Salem, MA with me for a few days to relax. She was happy and said yes. She was happy because she expected me to pay for everything. Her husband called me to tell me that they didn’t have any money  for her to go with me I would have to pay. I was lonely and overwhelmed so I did.

I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone. I mostly hurt myself. Now I torture myself with memories trying to figure out how I can make things better. The truth is I’ve apologized enough, I’ve paid for the things I’ve done ten times over. I can’t do it anymore.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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