I don’t think my good days are worth it anymore. I had 2 good days. I made jewelry, cleaned the house, talked to my best friend, and cried 1 time. Today I’m back where I was but worse. Worse because I know just yesterday wasn’t as bad, I saw a glimpse of normalcy. I hate it.
What I wish my family knew is that when they get out of control around me it effects me. When my dad is worried to the point of not eating about his medical bills for dialysis it effects me. When he’s swearing, pacing the floor, and angry at a guy he shipped a clock to, it effects me.
I feed off of other people’s emotions. So this morning while he’s having a temper tantrum I’m crying and stuttering. He yelled at me about our dog JoJo. He told me not to “hurt him” anymore. I said “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?” My father has trouble hearing and I was pissed. I wasn’t even going to touch JoJo I was using the couch for balance because I had several leg cramps in the middle of the night and my legs were like jello. JoJo has a sore tooth and we don’t want to lose him like we did Pookie. I can’t handle it and neither could my dad. But I know almost as much as my dad. Who looked into Colloidal Silver? Me! And the unprocessed coconut? Me! How to stop a seizure immediately? Me! But I’m treated like a moron. Yes I’ve lost a lot of my cognitive skills. I’ve lost gray and white matter, enough to worry 2 Neurologists and my short term memory is impaired but I’m still here. Don’t ignore me. Please. When I have my bad days why can’t my dad or sister take my hand, hug me, anything. Just tell me you’ll still love me and I matter, that I’m not invisible.