I left the house today. It had been awhile and my sister invited me over. She really invited me so I could color her hair and she said she would help me with mine. None of that happened. Her husband was home and sleeping in his man cave in the finished basement. I was there for about 5 minutes when he yelled something up the stairs. It startled me. I thought he was mad. I had boots on and they have hardwood floors, I thought I was being too loud. I got a little teary eyed. My sister got annoyed and said she knew I was “off” the minute I got there. I tried to explain but she went into a tirade about my needing to see a therapist and needing to try harder to control myself. She used herself as an example.
When she was done I didn’t feel like doing her hair or anything else. I was tired of trying to explain myself over and over. Trying to explain how my brain works, how it’s different than her’s.
Last year she was having these seizures where she would just get a blank stare. She went to several doctors who all diagnosed her with a form of Conversion Disorder that was due to stress. Once she started therapy and found out that there was nothing wrong with her the seizures stopped.
My type of Conversion Disorder is different and continues. I also have some problems with my brain. There is swelling on one side and what they call a T2 Hyperintensity. I also have a loss of white matter unusual for someone my age. The swelling was supposed to be monitored. It never was. This was in 2008. Also a diagnosis of Bipolar with Conversion Disorder makes it harder to treat. My sister doesn’t listen to this.
While I was there my friend texted me and wanted me to call my kidney doctor and tell him I’m in pain to get pain pills so she could buy them off of me. She said her knee hurt. She does have problems with her knee but she’s asked me for Adderall and other meds before. First she will ask how I am and act concerned. An hour later she’ll ask for money or meds. She is the only one who ever returns my phone calls or checks to see how I’m doing. I just don’t like this other stuff and I don’t do it. At first I gave her a few Adderrall or whatever but when it became a habit I stopped. She’s always paid me back any money she’s borrowed. Still I don’t like it.
I made an appointment with my hair dresser. I’m not depending on anyone and I can’t do it myself anymore. My arms burn when I hold them up for any length of time. Plus I get to be around people and just listen and watch.
I’m going to get used to being by myself and doing things alone. I’m tired of saying sorry all the time or explaining myself when I shouldn’t have to. I don’t need to be judged or reprimanded. I do these things to myself everyday.