Christmas Dilemma



Every year I spend hours and hours trying to find the right gifts for the right people. Mostly for my nieces and nephews and my dad. I look at every website having to do with their interests, I research what they are into at the moment. And then I am told with the older ones to just give them money. The younger ones at least get excited but I have not had much access to them lately. They have grown. Their interests are not the same. Texting my sister with questions she won’t answer isn’t going to work.

I’m tired of being the only one to put in any effort at all. I even sneak a present to my sister or brother in law if I see something they would love. My brother in law loves The Ramones and a store had a Ramones lunchbox and thermos. I thought it was pretty cool. He did too. But he never told ME that. He told my sister to tell me he loved it. Of course she didn’t until a few years later. So I thought the entire time that I made an ass out of myself. That it was a stupid gift. This is how I usually feel after giving a gift. That it isn’t good enough. Never mind the fact that it’s never reciprocated. If it is it’s in the form of a Dunkin’ Donuts gift card or something similar. Like these people don’t know me at all.

They don’t. So this year I’m not going crazy. I’m done. I’ll spend the money on myself and my stupid medical bills. Instead of expecting my family to think like me or be something they’re not and setting myself up for disappointment I’ll just stop now. It doesn’t mean the little ones won’t get something, it just means I’m not spending 100 hours to find the right gifts. The older nieces and nephew have not had any contact with me at all despite my efforts to try. They are over 18. This hurts me a lot but I’ve tried numerous times. I’m going to leave it alone. I’m not a Grandparent or Parent I’m not obligated to give them anything. Yes, I’ll feel guilty but I have to stick to my decision. I’m on Disability and do not get much money to begin with. Medicaid insists I make too much to receive any help. Since when is $16,320 a year too much money? I couldn’t afford to live on my own, Gluten Free food is double the price of normal food and I don’t qualify for help with paying for food either. Rent in my state for a one bedroom apartment on average is $750-$800 a month nothing included. That’s in a not so great neighborhood. I forgot the cost of my medications. Viibryd is too new so I pay a hefty co-pay for that one and some of the others I can’t do the Generic because there is Gluten in it. So my insurance won’t cover it and I have to pay out of pocket.

So it should be an interesting Holiday. I think I’ll stock up on pajamas and earplugs and stay in my room until January 2, 2016.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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