If You Knew Would You Run?


I went to the Urologist today. I went alone. I was 10 minutes late so they punished me by making me wait 2 hours. I overheard this while making out the check to pay them. What was I going to do? I needed to see him. He was polite but told me things were not looking good. He had taken out my stent on the left side of my ureter. I knew something was wrong because feet had been swelling and I had been feeling sick. I was right. My creatinine levels had gone back up. Normal levels should be a 1.0 to a 1.3 and I was at a 2.0. Still no way near when my kidneys failed. I was at 10.71 when that happened. But this means 3 more procedures to find out why. I’ve already had 4 biopsies and several other procedures with no answers. I hate telling my family. At this point they have lost their empathy, sympathy, whatever.

No one knows I’m getting worse all around. I just want to sleep. I don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t make jewelry anymore, I don’t take pictures anymore. I sit on the couch and pretend I have not been crying. No one likes it when I cry. I get reprimanded. Or they ask me if I need to go to the “Hospital”. Why? They don’t do anything for you there. You stay there for a few days, take your meds with some Benadryl, and do arts and crafts. That’s it. There’s no therapy or Dr. to talk to.

My appointment today made me late for my Primary Care Doctor. The Urologist’s office kept trying to call her office but couldn’t get a response. I was told I would be dropped as a patient if I didn’t make this appointment. Guess what? I don’t care. She doesn’t want to take Medicare patients anymore and this was her way of weeding them out. Congratulations. I see all specialists so what was she going to do for me?

I hate this time of year. Holidays, the anniversary of my mother’s death, the cold weather. I could do without all of it.

If the people in my life only knew what it took me to wake up. I feel sick all the time. Depressed all the time. I can’t enjoy food, my vision is going in and out, I’m cold all the time. I’m so f*cking tired. Not one person notices that my skin is the same color as a piece of chalk. Or that there is bruising under my eyes. How can they not see it? I’m tired of trying to force people to care. I don’t care. So we’re even I guess.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

3 responses to “If You Knew Would You Run?

  • La Sabrosona

    Hugs! Sorry to hear things are particularly rough at the moment. Do you have a tradition in terms of honouring your mother’s memory?

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      No I personally don’t. I feel her with me all the time. I dislike visiting her grave, it isn’t how I want to remember her. She was loud, boisterous, laughed often, but had episodes of Depression too. The worse part is having all my testing to find what’s wrong with my kidneys at the Hospital I watched her die in. No one understands that. I tried to tell the Doctors working on my case but they wouldn’t listen. They have privileges at other Hospitals, better Hospitals. They dismiss what I say. I don’t have a choice right now but when I do I’ll take care of it. She’s every ladybug, every butterfly, the sun on my face. That’s all I need.

      Liked by 1 person

    • La Sabrosona

      “She’s every ladybug, every butterfly, the sun on my face. That’s all I need.” That is so beautiful, really. I love that.

      Liked by 1 person

You must be logged in to post a comment.

%d bloggers like this: