Hey Jealousy (also bitterness & spite)



Things have been hectic lately. I’ve been having test after test to find out why my kidneys failed. Yesterday I had a test where they put an I.V. in with 2 ports. First they put one solution in and take pictures for 25 minutes then they put something called Lasix in and take pictures for another 25 minutes. I could see me kidneys on the screen.

My left kidney was quite large. Just to compare I’ll say the size of a gallon of milk. My right kidney was the size of a grape. When they put the 2nd solution in my right kidney disappeared all together. I don’t think that’s supposed to happen. The 2 technicians were very nice older men. One  could see my face and kept touching my shoulder. For some reason I have the best veins in my state. Everyone comments on them when I have to get blood work or an I.V.

I went alone and when I told my sister and father about the test they both thought I was being dramatic. They both said I wasn’t a doctor and was just seeing what I wanted to see. I was also reading too much into the technicians reactions. Because I’m Bipolar and an idiot, I can’t read anyone. I never know what’s going on around me. I never know who’s lying and who isn’t. I never know everyone’s secrets. F*cking idiots. Thanks for dismissing me. And no they were not trying to make me feel better.

On to the next subject. My sister called to tell me she’s going to New York for New Year’s Eve. She asked if I knew a website where she could book a hotel but it had to be a specific one. Ha! They are attending someone’s party where there will be many famous people. The hotel is going to cost them close to $2,ooo. Then she asked me about hair extensions. Which she would expect me to put in and get her for free. She’s worried about her weight and what to wear. I dress more like these people then she does. She won’t listen to me. She has always thought her style was “cool” and “cutting edge”. Uhh…….Nope. I told her she needs to look at pictures of past parties online. She won’t. Why she won’t accept my advice or help I’ll never understand.

She’s going to be around people she doesn’t even care about. It pisses me off. If I find out Steven Tyler pops in I’ll hurt her. Lyrics and music mean so much to me. I can’t even get her to watch a video of a song that has meaning to me. She doesn’t have the patience. My father doesn’t either. The only other person who feels like I do is my brother. I don’t talk to him. Not my choice. I never know where he is. My mother was like me too.

Some call it jealousy, envy, resentment, spite. I call it regret. I think of the things I could have done with my life if I had tried harder, didn’t stay drunk for 20 years, and didn’t have the fear holding me back. Fear still holds me back. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of anymore. Sometimes I think myself.

I know something serious is wrong with me. I know my body and when there’s something wrong. Tests already confirmed without 1 stent urine started backing up into my kidney again. I have no stents in now and my back and pelvis hurt. I’m extremely tired, my vision is blurry, I’m nauseas, my head hurts, I’m hot and cold, and my feet are swelling on and off. I’m not telling anyone. I’m too tired to deal with it. The Hospital says I have to make a Living Directive or Living Will before my next procedure. It’s an uplifting place. Thanks everyone.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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