I Don’t Know Much But…

It’s been a little rough lately. I’m having trouble coping with everything going on physically and mentally. I have thought of going to a Hotel and drinking for a night. But with my kidneys failing it’s probably a bad idea. I’m afraid I still might. My impulse control is not so great right now. My memory is also going. I never paid the taxes on my car and now I can’t register it. Total cost for that is $126. Money is stressing me out. Leaving the house is stressing me out. My Health Insurance is stressing me out. My idiot Doctors are stressing me out. My family is stressing me out. I have no support. My moods are out of control.

A police woman came to the house yesterday. My dad hit a parked car at Wal-Mart and didn’t know it. There was very little damage. He has a big truck and had dialysis that day and the car that was next to him was big and beat up. He probably wasn’t paying attention and with the ringing in one ear he didn’t hear anything either. He isn’t the type of person to just leave. He would’ve waited for the person to come out or left a note. The female police officer I have come across before. She isn’t pleasant. As soon as I checked to see what was going on and saw her I knew I needed to intervene. My dad couldn’t find his current insurance cards and was frustrated. She was irritated also. I went outside in my pajamas looking extremely sick. She looked me up and down and asked who I was. I told her I was the daughter and explained that he’s on dialysis and he’s also worried about me because I’m in kidney failure. I told her he would never just leave that I was sure he didn’t know he did it. She said the damage to the other car was so minimal that I was probably right.

She was just coming around when my dad came back outside. She explained she wasn’t going to charge him with leaving the scene of an accident. That was as far as she got before he became belligerent saying “What accident?” I finally calmed him down and explained to him that she knew he wasn’t aware he did anything. I sent him back into the house and finished with the officer.

Guess what? I couldn’t get in contact with my sister. I was kind of worried about my dad’s behavior. I thought maybe he shouldn’t be driving. He plans on driving back and forth to Springfield, MA for 3 days next week. It’s a 3 hour drive each way from our house. But again I have to deal with it on my own. Like I always have. If one more person tells me I should just “move out” I swear I will drop kick them. Where do these people think I’m going to get the money? Who do these people think will look after my dad? What about my dog? It’s so easy for people to say. This man never abandoned me even when everyone said ” Tough Love is the best, you need to kick her out”. He refused. No matter what I did he said he loved me and wasn’t giving up. My mom was the same. So I’m supposed to abandon him? I didn’t abandon my mom when she was dying. I washed her, changed her soiled sheets, stayed up all night with her, and did my best. My siblings were nowhere to be found.

I just want my appointment at Mass General to get here. I’m hoping they keep me. It could be like a vacation. I hope the beds are comfortable. Migraines, nosebleeds, neck pain, low grade fever, nausea, extreme pain on the sides of my back radiating to the front and into my pelvis. I can’t take any painkillers. My jaw hurts from clenching it constantly, one minute I’m sweating the next I’m freezing, it’s like the flu times a thousand.

I don’t think there is supposed to be this much blood in my urine. But I’m told to wait until I go to Boston. I hope I make it. lol

What I know is I’ve through worse than this. I have to remember that. I have to remember I can’t change other people. I have to remember and accept the bills will be there and you can’t blood from a stone. I know I need someone to talk to and I need to look into it after the kidney thing is figured out. I also need to admit that my Psychiatrist might have been great at the beginning but is now making too many mistakes. It’s time for a change as much as I hate it. I have to let things go. That is the hardest part for me. The past isn’t the past for me. It’s always right there at the surface ready to take over with it’s pain, pettiness, despair, jealousy, grief, and regret. I have to learn to deal with that.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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