Monthly Archives: January 2016

The Entertainment Industry And Weight

On the Entertainment sites recently they have been making a big deal out of Christian Bale pulling out of a movie due to the weight he would have to gain.

I have watched 20 Christian Bale movies. This is only because he happens to make some brilliant films. The first one I watched was Empire of the Sun. Even then you could tell he was too thin which is what the part called for. This was in 1987. In 2004 his weight plummeted to a dangerous level for The Machinist. Did it work for the movie and make it realistic? Sure. Was it worth the possible damage to his system? I don’t know. In 2005 he had to regain the weight he lost and gain muscle for Batman Begins. In 2006 he had to go back down to play a POW in Rescue Dawn. 2008 he did The Dark Knight and had to get back in shape to play Batman again. The Fighter came out in 2010 where he played an ex-boxer turned drug addict. So once again his weight went way down. Then in 2013 American Hustle was released where he played an overweight con-man and gained 40 pounds.

The movie Mr. Bale dropped out of was a biopic of Enzo Ferrari directed by Michael Mann. The reason he dropped out is he would’ve had to gain a significant amount of weight by spring. He didn’t feel he could do this in a healthy way. So he backed out of the film.

Personally I’m glad he did. Mr. Bale’s weight gain and weight loss through out the years have had to of taken a toll on his body. The heart cannot handle drastic continuous changes in weight. I’m glad he realized this.

Mr. Bale certainly isn’t the only actor/actress that immerses himself in a role and wants to be as realistic as possible. The problem is making it look so easy to gain and lose weight in short periods of time. We all know it isn’t but part of us always looks for that easy way to feel good about ourselves. I know it’s hard to find the right actor for the right part. I just don’t understand why you can’t use a talented heavier actor to play a character that is overweight. You can’t tell me there isn’t anyone talented enough. I happen to love Brendan Gleeson and Ray Winstone. They are not young actors but I can’t think of any younger actors at the moment. I’m sure they are out there.

Giving someone flack because they refuse to compromise their health for a movie is just ridiculous. Wake up people.

P.S. To the woman who gave Mourning Son 1 star and said unnecessary hurtful things about the Documentary, shame on you. One more example of humanities loss of empathy. A man pours out his pain and self destruction and you call it “boring”. His mother was murdered. Are you a robot? Unbelievable.

I Don’t Know Much But…

It’s been a little rough lately. I’m having trouble coping with everything going on physically and mentally. I have thought of going to a Hotel and drinking for a night. But with my kidneys failing it’s probably a bad idea. I’m afraid I still might. My impulse control is not so great right now. My memory is also going. I never paid the taxes on my car and now I can’t register it. Total cost for that is $126. Money is stressing me out. Leaving the house is stressing me out. My Health Insurance is stressing me out. My idiot Doctors are stressing me out. My family is stressing me out. I have no support. My moods are out of control.

A police woman came to the house yesterday. My dad hit a parked car at Wal-Mart and didn’t know it. There was very little damage. He has a big truck and had dialysis that day and the car that was next to him was big and beat up. He probably wasn’t paying attention and with the ringing in one ear he didn’t hear anything either. He isn’t the type of person to just leave. He would’ve waited for the person to come out or left a note. The female police officer I have come across before. She isn’t pleasant. As soon as I checked to see what was going on and saw her I knew I needed to intervene. My dad couldn’t find his current insurance cards and was frustrated. She was irritated also. I went outside in my pajamas looking extremely sick. She looked me up and down and asked who I was. I told her I was the daughter and explained that he’s on dialysis and he’s also worried about me because I’m in kidney failure. I told her he would never just leave that I was sure he didn’t know he did it. She said the damage to the other car was so minimal that I was probably right.

She was just coming around when my dad came back outside. She explained she wasn’t going to charge him with leaving the scene of an accident. That was as far as she got before he became belligerent saying “What accident?” I finally calmed him down and explained to him that she knew he wasn’t aware he did anything. I sent him back into the house and finished with the officer.

Guess what? I couldn’t get in contact with my sister. I was kind of worried about my dad’s behavior. I thought maybe he shouldn’t be driving. He plans on driving back and forth to Springfield, MA for 3 days next week. It’s a 3 hour drive each way from our house. But again I have to deal with it on my own. Like I always have. If one more person tells me I should just “move out” I swear I will drop kick them. Where do these people think I’m going to get the money? Who do these people think will look after my dad? What about my dog? It’s so easy for people to say. This man never abandoned me even when everyone said ” Tough Love is the best, you need to kick her out”. He refused. No matter what I did he said he loved me and wasn’t giving up. My mom was the same. So I’m supposed to abandon him? I didn’t abandon my mom when she was dying. I washed her, changed her soiled sheets, stayed up all night with her, and did my best. My siblings were nowhere to be found.

I just want my appointment at Mass General to get here. I’m hoping they keep me. It could be like a vacation. I hope the beds are comfortable. Migraines, nosebleeds, neck pain, low grade fever, nausea, extreme pain on the sides of my back radiating to the front and into my pelvis. I can’t take any painkillers. My jaw hurts from clenching it constantly, one minute I’m sweating the next I’m freezing, it’s like the flu times a thousand.

I don’t think there is supposed to be this much blood in my urine. But I’m told to wait until I go to Boston. I hope I make it. lol

What I know is I’ve through worse than this. I have to remember that. I have to remember I can’t change other people. I have to remember and accept the bills will be there and you can’t blood from a stone. I know I need someone to talk to and I need to look into it after the kidney thing is figured out. I also need to admit that my Psychiatrist might have been great at the beginning but is now making too many mistakes. It’s time for a change as much as I hate it. I have to let things go. That is the hardest part for me. The past isn’t the past for me. It’s always right there at the surface ready to take over with it’s pain, pettiness, despair, jealousy, grief, and regret. I have to learn to deal with that.

New Jewelry And My Ego

Here are a couple of pictures of some earrings I made recently and a “bar” necklace. I’m still working on the look of the “bar” necklace. The ego part is me thinking my post about Sean Penn deserves to be published. lol I just read it again and thought ” Wow that’s good”. My medications really are NOT working. But I’m not as down as I was yesterday.

How Will I End?

I went to see my Psychiatrist today. I needed to tell him that my medications were no longer working due to the failure of my kidneys. When he greeted me he asked “So did your Primary Care doctor figure out your Celiac problem?”. I just stared at him. On my last visit I had told him that I had gone into kidney failure in June and almost died. Do these doctors not review their notes before each appointment? I felt so let down and like I didn’t matter enough for him to take the time to really look at me.

The other day I was so off and irritated I grabbed a kitchen knife in front of my father and cut into my wrist. It wasn’t deep I just didn’t had no other way to express my pain. I have not done anything like that in many years. I am picking fights with everyone around me. Sometimes the pain is so great I can’t even cry.

I am so scared I will become my Uncle Jimmy. I will die alone on the streets because my family will be sick of dealing with me. They will bury me where they bury the homeless. No one will be with me when I die. I can’t blame them right now.

My medical bills are mounting. I am told I get too much from Disability for any kind of help. I can’t see how this is true. I have a total of $1700 to my name. I’m trying to change my drug coverage because they changed their plan. They want $90 for 5 pills I take for Bipolar Disorder called Viibryd. 5 single pills. The mood stabilizer is a generic and costs $89. My inhaler is $98. Adderall is $199. I had to stop or cut back on my medications. Even though they are not working correctly some is getting into my system.

The Doctor asked if I needed to be hospitalized today. I told him I couldn’t. I go to Mass General on the 26th and Medicare is already going to be charging a huge amount for that. I can’t afford to be hospitalized. They really don’t do much for you at the Hospital we have here. They monitor you, give you Benedryl, and you do arts and crafts. Not much help for me.

I feel lost and alone. Physically I’m in pain and exhausted. Mentally I’m exhausted and feel hurt and angry all the time. I feel my family isn’t making much of an effort. It could just be me. I want my sister to hug me and say everything is going to be ok. She won’t. I want my mom. The anniversary of her death is coming up and I feel her loss more than ever. She always knew what to do. Now there is no one to comfort me. No one to reassure me that I won’t be alone. I’ve driven them all away.

Sean Penn, El Chapo, And Addiction

So, Sean Penn takes it upon himself to seek out an infamous drug cartel warlord to do an interview for Rolling Stone. I’m sure in Mr. Penn’s mind this sounded rational. What he hoped to accomplish I’m not sure. He wasn’t planning on turning him over to any of the authorities looking for “El Chapo”. He just wanted to sit and chat. To break bread with a man affiliated with another man known as “The Stewmaker”.

The Stewmaker would put a bunch of dead bodies or not so dead bodies into a barrel of lye until there was nothing left but a goopy stew. Hence his nickname. This was not the only human body disposal system Mr. Guzman used. In his interview he said he wasn’t violent unless he had to defend himself. I guess a car filled with 2 teachers and their 3 children were a big threat. A 2 year old can do a lot of damage to the head of one of the biggest Cartels.

I understand growing up in poverty and being surrounded by violence, drugs and gangs. When you look around and all you see as a way out is to join the masses. I also understand the supply and demand. If the United States didn’t give the drug cartels such high demand they wouldn’t feel the need to offer up the supply and make billions of dollars doing so.

How many people in Hollywood whether it’s an actor, actress, singer, artist, etc. also feed into the demand? I think it’s quite a few.

How many Mentally Ill that can’t get access to a good doctor or medications feed into the demand? It’s more than a few. Does anyone take the time to think about that while saving other countries? When I see my heroine addicted Schizophrenic Uncle die from AIDS he contracted from a dirty needle while self medicating, being buried in Potter’s Field I want to vomit with the pain.

When I self medicated with alcohol and later cocaine I fed into the supply and demand. My niece who is also Mentally Ill self medicates with heroine. What is the solution for this? In this country?

“He had indisputable charisma” Mr. Penn wrote. Most Sociopaths do. I’ll admit he’s a shrewd businessman.

There was a time when all of the major drug cartels agreed to a Non Aggression Pact. El Chapo broke this pact by assassinating Rodulfo Carrillo Fuentes, head of the Juarez cartel. This set off a major power struggle between the remaining cartels and all bets were off. Let’s give the man a medal.

While incarcerated he treated prison like his personal playground. Using bribery and threats to bring in prostitutes, drugs and gourmet meals. It makes you wonder why he would want to escape.

There are many injustices in the world. I applaud those who want to right the wrongs. But maybe some of those people could use their influence in more productive ways. Maybe by starting in their own backyard.

I take a controlled substance for Bipolar Disorder. There are many Doctors and other patients with opinions on this. The insurance companies never want to cover it. I tried an experiment. I went 3 days without Adderall. For those 3 days I didn’t move. I remained on the couch drooling. The feeling of moving through quicksand was overwhelming. I couldn’t talk because my stutter was so enhanced. The crying was never ending. Finally my father asked why I was so bad. When I told him he was furious. For the first time he said screw what other people think! He said I needed that medicine and it had been prescribed by a Doctor. The only problem is the pharmacy now wants $190 for it. So do I sit on the couch and drool or fight? Unfortunately the people who abuse the drug have driven the cost up. Supply and demand. Those are some great words. A wonderful concept unless you are the one in demand.



Thank You Motley Crue!!*


When I first saw Motley Crue they were on the cover of a cassette tape I stole from brother’s gym sock smelling bedroom. At first I thought it was 4 women who REALLY didn’t know how to put makeup on. I kept the tape until the next day so I could show my best friend Wendy.

We listened to the tape together not saying a word the entire time. After we just looked at each other grinning. We had found our people. I bought all of their albums and cassettes I could find. I lied to my brother about the one I had stole from him. Actually I stole 2. Too Fast For Love and Shout at The Devil. That was the beginning for us or maybe it was the end. Who knows? I do know my life hasn’t been as fun since those days.

Some of my favorite Motley Crue songs are:

ALBUM                                                                                 SONG

  • Too Fast For Love                              Live Wire    Piece of Your Action
  • Shout At The Devil                            In The Beginning    Red Hot
  • Theatre of Pain                                   Use It or Lose It  Home Sweet Home
  • Girls, Girls, Girls                                Wild Side All In The Name Of G,G,G
  • Dr. Feelgood                                         S.O.S.  Don’t Go Away Mad

Of course these are not all of my favorites I’m just too lazy to list them all and I didn’t want to put the usual songs even though Home Sweet Home is there. It was my favorite song to sing while drinking and I THOUGHT I was really talented as most of us do when we are drunk and manic.

I’ve seen Motley Crue live about 10 times but don’t hold me to that because my memory isn’t what it used to be. They are a fun band to see live. I remember seeing them one time at Mohegan Sun Casino. We were waiting for the opening act to finish and decided to go get something to eat and of course drink. We were sitting there drinking beer and eating fries when I noticed a tall dark haired gentleman with the bluest eyes. For a second I thought it was Nikki Sixx coming out for some snacks before the show. It was really an Elvis impersonator that had a show there that night also. I said something weird about his Oyster Crackers being rather large and we somehow talked to him for the rest of the night missing the Motley Crue show!! Idiots!!

It’s what I do. I also convinced my best friend to go on a trip to L.A. so we could find Nikki Sixx, Vince Neil, Tommy Lee, or Mick Mars. We would stay on or near the Sunset Strip. We would go to The Rainbow, The Whiskey, the strip clubs, we would do it all. And we did. We didn’t see anyone from Motley Crue but it was still the best vacation I’ve ever had and brought my best friend and I even closer. We still laugh at that trip.

Too bad after that trip things started to go south for me. My behavior became more and more erratic. My drinking more out of control and I was using drugs for the first time. I received my first DUI and saw blood for the first time when I vomited. I was starting fights with people for no reason and then crying nonstop. I did not want to live.

One of the few things saving me at the time was music. Music and thinking about when I was happy. I admitted to myself that I never really was happy. It was either the bullying, fighting at home, abuse from the men I drank with, so on and so on. All the doctors and all the therapists couldn’t put me back together again. But I still had music and memories. It was something to hold on to. I held on to it as hard as I could and I still do.

Thank you Motley Crue for giving me something to hold onto when life isn’t so great. And something to make me smile when it is. It’s been an unbelievable 35 years. Good luck in all that you do in the future.


The System Against Us

When I first learned I would not be able to work anymore I was terrified. I was raised with a strong work ethic. I stupidly worried what other people would think of me. Disability is still seen as a lazy person’s way out of working by quite a few people. Even some people in my own family.

There are people who abuse the system. This makes it harder for those who really need it. It seems to be a big problem in my state. It is often on the local news where someone is caught lifting heavy objects when they are on Disability for a back or shoulder injury. Again this makes it harder for the people who need it and adds to the stigma of being on Disability.

There is a misconception that the money you get every month is a large amount. It isn’t. At least not for me. I started paying into it at the age of 14 and receive $1360 a month. I still have to live with my father. There is a wait list to get on the wait list for housing. The estimated total wait time before you get help with housing is 5 to 7 years. That is if you qualify.

Medicare is an entire different problem. Trying to get anyone to help you is so frustrating you give up. My drug coverage suddenly changed on January 1, 2016. When I first enrolled there was no deductible. Now there is a $2,600 deductible. I found this out when I went to refill my Topiramate. The copay was $79. I needed my inhaler too and that was $56. I couldn’t afford both. When I tried to ask Medicare about a better plan they were no help. They referred me to my local Social Security Office.

I know from experience that Social Security will refer me to my local DHS office. The same office where I have been laughed at when asking questions and had my stutter mimicked. I refuse to deal with them.

My medical bills are mounting from the 2 Hospital stays I had when my kidneys failed. I still have no answers from any Doctors as to why my kidneys keep failing.

I went to my General Practitioner today hoping she could help find a Doctor in Boston. After waiting over an hour to see her she wanted to do blood work that I had already had done. She also wanted me to have a bone density scan, a mammogram, and other tests I didn’t need.

It’s already in my file that I have Osteoporosis, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, and other bone issues in my back, hips, and pelvis. She’s the one that sent me for the MRI. So why do I need to have these tests done again?

I’m not going to. The bigger issue is finding out why I keep going into kidney failure. I think that is more important at this point. Medicare isn’t going to pay for tests that I’ve already had done. She kind of brushed me off. I’m tired of being a Guinea Pig.

My biggest fear is ending up like my Uncle Jimmy. I don’t want to be found dying alone with no one who cares about me. I don’t want Doctors that give up because I’m on Medicare and Disability for a mental illness so they feel they don’t have to try as hard. I don’t want to be forgotten. My family is so used to me being sick that it’s just another thing for them. No big deal. They don’t realize how bad it is. How scared I am. How what little money I had has gone to medications and Hospital bills.

When I apply for help they tell me I don’t qualify because I receive too much. Live in my body for one day and then tell me that.

Watch the wads of hair fall out as you wash it, feel the hellish pain on both sides of my back that keeps me awake all night, the constant headaches, the trouble breathing, the weight loss, wanting to eat but after 2 bites being full, the bloody noses, the constant fatigue, the pain in my tailbone because there is nothing left to cushion it, the blurred vision, the change in personality that keeps people away even more than before, the fear of dying, the feeling no one notices or cares, the constant anxiety over money, being cold all the time to the point you want to cry. This is how I live everyday. Actually this isn’t living. This is dying.

For Uncle Jimmy: AIDS, Schizophrenia and Addiction


I always knew my Uncle Jimmy was different. He was my mother’s brother. He would just show up at our house sometimes and my mom would feed him, let him take a shower, and drive him back to where he came from. There were times when we would come home to find him sleeping on the neighbor’s lawn or in the back of my dad’s truck. The neighbor’s were not happy.

My father always seemed angry when he showed up. When I was little I didn’t understand why. As I got older I began to figure it out. It’s difficult being so aware sometimes. There are still things I know that other people in the family don’t. If I disclose them now they won’t believe me. The only other people that could back me up have passed away. The one’s that could tell the truth never will. They would rather have me look like a liar or crazy if it suits them.

These are the facts about my Uncle Jimmy. When he was a teenager some friends dosed him with large quantity of LSD and he was in the Hospital for a week. He was also in a very bad car accident and was in a coma for a month. These 2 things could’ve both contributed to his mental illness. My mother’s side of the family is also prone to mental illness so the genetics were there to begin with.

I remember he would grind his teeth horribly. It got to the point where they were nubs and he had to get dentures. I remember he had tremors in his hands that were quite bad. He would say whatever popped into his head. He did have some control. My father hates swearing. He doesn’t tolerate anyone dropping the F bomb constantly in his house. No matter how many times you tell some people this they still do it. My Uncle Jimmy managed to remember this rule out of respect for my Dad. (My brother still can’t do it) He laughed a lot and never got my name right.

I found out he was diagnosed as Schizophrenic and was an IV drug user. I also found out he was what they called a “ward of the state” for many years, and he was homeless. The Schizophrenia explained a few things. I didn’t think President Reagan had landed on his roof in a helicopter to talk to him but who was I to say he was lying? I thought he was harmless. I had never seen him be violent. My Grandmother lied and said he attacked her in the middle of the night so the state would take him.

How could a man be violent once in 50 something years? I didn’t buy it. She had abandoned her children before, lied before, swindled the system to get money for her children and Disability, and didn’t want responsibility. I apologize, but I place a lot of what my mom had to deal with on my Grandmother’s shoulders.

The medications given to my Uncle either didn’t work or the side effects were too much for him. I remember him pacing, his tremors were worse, he didn’t laugh anymore. So he would go back to using drugs. The drugs made him feel better than any of the medications.

My mother was the contact person for the Social Worker assigned to my Uncle. My mom would always find him every couple of weeks to give him cigarettes and food. She wouldn’t give him cash because it would go to drugs. Other people gave him cash because they didn’t realize. My brother in law would see him often and give him cash. He was with his friend from a popular band worth a few million when they saw my Uncle one day. The guy from the band gave him money. I didn’t even want to know how much. But the nicest thing he did was give his time. He stood there and TALKED to him like a human. Not many people do that and I thank him for it. Of course my Uncle had no clue who he was and why people were taking pics of him. lol

My mom found out from the Social Worker that my Uncle was HIV positive about 15 years ago. My Uncle gave permission for him to discuss it with her. After this my father put his foot down about him showing up at the house and using the shower. In a way I understand. 15 years ago people thought differently about HIV. I don’t know how much those views have changed. I don’t think they’ve changed enough. But my Uncle did have a habit of using whatever razor was in the shower. One time he entered the house when no one was home and took a shower. I do understand where my dad was coming from but at the same time my mom was put between a rock and a hard place.

HIV: Starts with an Acute Infection, most people have flu like symptoms but not all. HIV reproduces at very low levels and is still active as you move into the CLINICLA LATENCY PHASE. With proper treatment you can live at this stage for several decades. HIV is ONLY SPREAD THROUGH bodily fluids directly being exchanged usually through UNPROTECTED SEX, IV DRUG USE, BLOOD TRANSFUSION (Not as common now), etc. AIDS is when your CD4 cells fall below 200 cells/mm when this happens you are considered to have progressed into the AIDS phase.

The lifespan of someone with HIV/AIDS varies. Depending on the person’s genetic makeup, how their overall health was before being infected, how soon they were diagnosed, adherence to a medication regime and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

I can tell you my Uncle Jimmy did not have a healthy lifestyle. He smoked like a chimney, didn’t eat right, I believe he was still using drugs, and he was living on the streets.

When I received the phone call from my Aunt that my Uncle Jimmy was in the Hospital and not doing well I felt overwhelmed. His lungs were filled with fluid. She was trying to reach her other siblings to see what to do. Like I said my mom had the responsibility up until she died in 2008. I didn’t know who had taken over.

I asked if he was awake and she said yes that he was having the time of his life with a comfortable bed and cable tv. I gave her what phone numbers I had and told her to keep me updated. I wanted to go see him. The problem was it was Saturday, I was urinating blood and had a fever. His Immune System was compromised and so is mine. I didn’t want to cause harm to either of us. The thought of him being there alone gnawed at me. First, he has a mental illness, second he’s a drug addict, third he has AIDS. How much human contact or sympathy do you think he was going to get?

My Aunt called the next morning but my father picked up the phone. I could only hear his side of the conversation. He went on and on about himself and his birds. I wanted to smack him. When he hung up I asked him what my Aunt had said. My dad said that my Uncle had COPD and they were moving him somewhere else to recover. I thought this sounded odd.

About an hour later my Aunt called back to ask for another phone number. She sounded like she had been crying. I said “Auntie J what the hell is going on?” She told me Uncle Jimmy was in a coma and she had signed DNR papers. I didn’t get to go see him. I couldn’t understand why my dad was given such false information. Did he not hear correctly because he’s so focused on himself or did she not want to bother him?

This morning my Uncle Jimmy passed away peacefully. He will no longer have to worry about where his next meal, fix, or shelter will come from. Society will no longer have this man child to abuse or ignore. Doctors will have to find someone else to experiment on. His siblings will have to find a way to deal with their guilt. My mother will have her baby brother with her once again. She took care of him for most of his life when she could, now they can take care of each other.

Mental Illness and Addiction is such a difficult struggle. I still have not found a medication that makes me feel as good as alcohol did most times. Of course I could be lying to myself. I’m good at that. As far as HIV/AIDS I hope the medical profession is compassionate and have changed over the years. I would hate to think of people dying alone without anyone to give them comfort because of 1 very misunderstood disease. I’m trying so hard to hold it together. If I think about this too much I will break and I don’t know what will put me back together.

Pictures and Headaches




I have a monster headache. Tried to take a few new pics of recently made jewelry and Dutch to distract myself. First one looks like a Polaroid the second a painting. The earrings didn’t come out as well but I still like them.

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