I Can’t Do This

It’s been such a long battle. A battle that for over 20 years I didn’t even know I was battling. I just thought I was weird, a loser, and no one liked me. When you spend most of your life thinking this way, you will believe it. For me it was also reinforced by other people I let into my life. That I take responsibility for.

How much of what goes on in my head, my thoughts and feelings, are due to Bipolar Disorder? How much is just me ganging up on myself? I just don’t know. My sister says I have control over it all. It’s in my brain, I can control it. So why don’t I ?

Why do I insist on punishing myself with horrendous memories that leave me wanting to be sick. Why do I let my mind think so badly of myself? Why don’t I just control it?

I’ve been told by professionals that I can’t. I’ve been told due to certain traumas it will be extremely hard if not impossible to overcome some things. Over 40% of people with Conversion Disorder like mine either do not recover or relapse within a year. Those are not great odds. The scan of my brain didn’t make things look hopeful either.

Yesterday I just wanted my sister, or to connect with someone in my family and they wouldn’t. My sister was busy with kid’s birthday parties and didn’t have time. Today she blamed me and gave suggestions for where I could interact with people and talk. None of these suggestions included spending time with me.

I think it’s easier if I don’t have a family anymore. If I forget they are there they can’t hurt me. The worse thing about Mental Illness is being ignored.  To keep thinking “I do not exist” is not good for me but it’s what I think everyday. I can try for a day or two to pretend I’m good but after that I crumble. I want to run away just to see if they notice. I want warm weather to help my bones and I can walk around in. I want to disappear.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

3 responses to “I Can’t Do This

  • BipolarOnFire

    I hate to say it but your sister doesn’t sound like she’s really in your corner. You need people who are on your side. This is not “all in your head” and you can’t think your way out of this.. You deserve better support than this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      I don’t want to lose my sister. I’ve decided that when we do talk it will be just about her or the kids. She’s fine as long as she is the topic of conversation. As soon as I bring up anything to do with family or myself she finds a way to end it. I’m looking for Therapists now. I’ve had bad experiences in the past with them but that was 15 years ago. Hopefully it’s different now.

      Liked by 1 person

    • BipolarOnFire

      There are lots of good therapists out there. I have a great one and I’m really grateful for that. Hope you can find one you enjoy working with 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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