It’s been such a long battle. A battle that for over 20 years I didn’t even know I was battling. I just thought I was weird, a loser, and no one liked me. When you spend most of your life thinking this way, you will believe it. For me it was also reinforced by other people I let into my life. That I take responsibility for.
How much of what goes on in my head, my thoughts and feelings, are due to Bipolar Disorder? How much is just me ganging up on myself? I just don’t know. My sister says I have control over it all. It’s in my brain, I can control it. So why don’t I ?
Why do I insist on punishing myself with horrendous memories that leave me wanting to be sick. Why do I let my mind think so badly of myself? Why don’t I just control it?
I’ve been told by professionals that I can’t. I’ve been told due to certain traumas it will be extremely hard if not impossible to overcome some things. Over 40% of people with Conversion Disorder like mine either do not recover or relapse within a year. Those are not great odds. The scan of my brain didn’t make things look hopeful either.
Yesterday I just wanted my sister, or to connect with someone in my family and they wouldn’t. My sister was busy with kid’s birthday parties and didn’t have time. Today she blamed me and gave suggestions for where I could interact with people and talk. None of these suggestions included spending time with me.
I think it’s easier if I don’t have a family anymore. If I forget they are there they can’t hurt me. The worse thing about Mental Illness is being ignored. To keep thinking “I do not exist” is not good for me but it’s what I think everyday. I can try for a day or two to pretend I’m good but after that I crumble. I want to run away just to see if they notice. I want warm weather to help my bones and I can walk around in. I want to disappear.