From a very early age I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I would often hide at Holidays or family gatherings. I didn’t know how to make conversation without the feeling I would be laughed at. As a twin I sometimes felt that I wasn’t meant to be. I thought my sister was the one who belonged here on this earth. I didn’t. I was obese most of my life and this made things harder for me. The constant bullying drove me further into myself.
When I was 17 I tried alcohol for the first time and never looked back. I was a different person when I drank. I could and would talk to anyone. If someone made a fat comment I would say something back or on occasion use violence. I’m not proud of that. I would get too cocky and pick the wrong person to mess with. When this happened it would be me that violence was acted upon. I sometimes sought out this punishment by being around the wrong men. I felt I deserved to be treated like nothing. Some days I still do.
Finding out you are Bipolar at the age of 37 is mind blowing. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had been diagnosed earlier.
I am now 43 and things are not really all that much better. I’ve been sober for 7 years and that is a good thing. I isolate myself and make no effort to engage with society. My family doesn’t bother with me anymore except my Dad and sister. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, people I knew and loved my entire life no longer want to be in my life. If my mom was still alive it would be different. My best friend of over 25 years doesn’t even call me except on the odd occasion she feels she has to. I sit in my house and watch other people live.
I was in emergency Kidney Failure in July. The Doctors asked if I wanted a Do Not Resuscitate order. I wanted to say yes. I was too afraid to. I don’t know where I belong or where to go. My dad is ill and I live with him. If something happens to him I’m afraid the devastation of it will ruin me. He’s the only one besides my mom who has always been there for me. I constantly worry about him. I am also ill. This doesn’t scare me as much as losing my dad does. Where will I go? Who will I talk to? Will I have a place to live?
Sometimes I want to get on a plane and go anywhere but here. The problem is everything is still with you. You can’t run from it.
You just have to deal.