Monthly Archives: April 2016
First, the good news. I booked the trip to Orlando, Florida 5 days 4 nights with a Meet and Greet for Sebastian Bach. Between Airfare, Hotel, Ticket and VIP package I spent a total of $588. I thought it was a pretty good deal and will admit to being somewhat manic when making my decision.
My father is less than thrilled. He’s actually kind of pissed. I think he’s more afraid than anything. This will be my first concert sober. I have not really been out at night for the last 7 years. My dad has this weird notion that you only drink alcohol at night. Probably because of all the late night phone calls he received to come get me at the hospital, jail, or some weird place. I can’t blame him for feeling the way he does. After coming so close to death in the last 10 months and knowing what my future probably holds, I decided to start living. I can’t be afraid of letting my dad down or making him angry over the smallest things. Because I am Bipolar with Conversion Disorder and an extreme Anxiety Disorder, my life is automatically shortened by 12 years. The numbers for people with Celiac Disease is a 10 year loss of life expectancy. If you add in my Stage Three Chronic Kidney Disease I’m toast in a few years! I really do take these numbers with a grain of salt but it’s still doesn’t change the facts. Life is short.
I have been asked why I want to do this trip. My dad will never understand and most people won’t. I FEEL EVERYTHING TEN TIMES MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE. I am sensitive, dramatic, I read into everything someone says or does, I’m hurt too easily, I live in the past where there are good memories and monsters. This is me. My one outlet has always been music.
When I listen to a song or watch a performance and I feel moved or understood that is the greatest feeling in the world. I envy those that can get up on a stage and belt out a song with all of their feelings and pain or joy spilling out of them. If I could sing out my pain I would be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I still try to sing in my car, I’m just not very good. It’s still a release. A song can bring me up or bring me down. When I hear lyrics that resonate with events in my life it’s even more invigorating.
Now I’ll move on to Humans. For some reason I don’t consider myself to be in this category. lol I don’t know why. The loss of humanity I see on a daily basis just enforces my need not to be associated with other people. There was a post on Facebook about how Doctors freely give out too much pain medication, knowing the person is an addict. That they are doing this for the money. This person had lost her best friend to a drug overdose. They both had worked for me for a few years. I was a little disgruntled with her placing all of the blame at the feet of the Doctors. I knew back then that her friend had Mental Health issues. I was just too caught up in my own crap to want to help.
I believe that blaming the Doctors is pointless. Most addicts are drinking or using drugs to escape something. It might be trauma or Mental Illness the point is they don’t or I didn’t drink a case of beer and a pint of anything a day because I liked the taste of alcohol and making an ass out of myself. I did it because the pain, anxiety, worthlessness, fear, all of it became too much. I did do some drugs but alcohol was my choice. Notice I use the word choice. Alcohol isn’t a thing that holds you down and makes you drink it. You make a choice and keep making that choice to feel normal. It bothers me that more people do not see this as a Mental Health Issue. If you go to a “specialist”, whether it’s for your back or your brain, a lot of them will not be as knowledgeable about other health matters as they should be. A back doctor might suspect drug abuse but doesn’t really know the ins and outs of addiction.
I myself had gone to a Neurologist who suggested I have a drink or two a day for my tremors. He is a well respected doctor. I asked him if he had read my file. He said he had. I said “You know I’m an alcoholic right?” he says “Oh but you can still have one or two drinks can’t you?”. He hasn’t been the only one. I can’t count how many health professionals do not understand what Gluten is. This is where there needs to be a change.
As far back as I can remember I have used music to escape the real world. I used music for depressed times, drunk times, sober times, and happy times. It’s in my blood. My mother was a great dancer and she loved music. I was listening to Elvis 24/7 in the womb. My mom could also sing. I loved to hear her sing Brenda Lee to my dad. A few years before her death she did “The Twist” at a wedding. The look on her face was one of such joy I can almost erase the memory of pain that followed.
As a Bipolar person I feel everything too much. It is like walking around without your skin on. I would spend over 20 years drinking and listening to music to try and cope with feeling every emotion to the extreme. I didn’t know I was Bipolar until several years ago. Learning that I am Bipolar helped me to be sober or “in remission” from alcohol for over 7 years. Music also helps.
When I hear lyrics that change me in some way there is nothing better in the world. You think that person understands you. They probably don’t or won’t but that’s ok as long as the music does the talking.
I don’t understand why fans go on an artist’s fan page to talk so disrespectfully about a band or person they supposedly have admiration for. Also the women who want to talk about the hair of the artist or what they would like to do to them. It annoys me and I don’t know why. I think it’s all about respect. How I was raised. The music industry is a bitch. Artists do not need people calling them out, steeling set lists, and talking trash about them. They are there to share a gift with us. If we make it uncomfortable for them they’ll stop. And if the artist is married have some respect for them and yourself. No one wants to hear your sick ass plans that you are way too old to be doing anyway.
I thank the musicians that have always been an influence on me or helped me through tough times.
I know that I have been feeling a little manic lately. It doesn’t change the fact that things in my house suck. I mention taking a vacation alone and my father starts yelling. I’m 43!! When does the guilt stop? How long do I have to pay for my mistakes? I’m 7 years sober and still I’m questioned about where I’ve been. Do you want to smell my breath too? I wanted to take a 4 and half hour plane ride to see Sebastian Bach at the House of Blues and spend some time in the sun and relax! Let my siblings take care of my dad for once
Music has always been an outlet for me. I can’t listen to it in my house because I get yelled at about the noise or sarcastic comments are made. Sebastian Bach is one of my favorite artists to listen to and try to sing along with. I’ve never seen a rock singer with such a professional sounding voice and mannerisms. I love to watch him perform. Just like I have felt about other musicians. Although I’m smarter now. I have also never had the experience of going to a concert skinny and sober. You know what it felt like all those years to watch my bestfriend and everyone else in their rock n roll outfits while I had to wear a T-shirt and jeans. My bestfriend once had thigh high leather boots, a leather mini skirt, and a red bustier. She also had a diamond studded dog collar on. Not real diamonds of course. Her blonde hair with light strawberry red natural streaks was down to her rear end but teased as big as we could get it. She also has Hazel/Green eyes and a bunny nose. She drew attention wherever she went. Even with normal clothes on.
Now she looks a lot older and would never put those clothes on except if it was Halloween. Her boyfriend likes her to look natural of course so she no longer puts blonde in her hair or wears much make-up. Funny how when they meet her she’s all dolled up. After they are established in their relationship with her they want her to change how she looks. The fact that she does kind of bothers me.
I’m not overweight anymore and can wear what I want. I was always told “You have such a pretty face but……” Not now. I have not had a chance since I lost weight to kind of show myself off to people who made my life miserable or were just hurtful. It’s petty I know but I still want that chance. I know I have spring fever and it’s always a bad time for me. I still want to spread my wings. My father is worse by the day and I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I have Conversion Disorder/PTSD. Living with someone that you have become afraid of, a person you once loved and respected, is difficult to say the least. When asked to describe my father I always said the same. “He is the most honorable man I know”. Now he sometimes isn’t honorable at all. That fact splits my heart and head in two.
I’ve been all over the place lately. Up, down, up and down again. I’m kind of up right now. My anxiety is through the roof. My father is scaring me with his behavior on the Prednisone and he pulled his back out. He’s not the type of person to let himself heal. I’m tired of fighting with him.
I want to take a small vacation to Florida. It’s a 4 hour flight. Not that far away. My dad starts freaking out saying how vacations are “useless” and for weak people. I think it’s because he’s afraid I’ll drink or do something stupid. I can’t keep living like this. I want to see the ocean, sun, museums, gardens, and people! Just a few days away from the chaos that is this house. I can’t make my jewelry because the dog is all over me and when I try to color the dog knocks over my holder for the pencils so I wind up play 52 pick up but with 170 colored pencils! I wanted to try to sell my jewelry and no one I’ve asked seams to interested in helping me. But it’s ok that I gave my sister a makeover yesterday that would have cost her at least $250 for free. She looked 10 years younger. Did I get anything for it? Just the satisfaction of knowing I did a good job. It’s like pulling teeth to get anything else.
There is so much I want to do. Fear stops me from doing anything. I have been in a depressed state for a few over a week now. I hate it. I want to run away, hide, yell, hit people, and curse my brain for making me suffer. I’ve thought of drinking lately and that isn’t like me. I wouldn’t. It isn’t worth the physical effects let alone how I would feel about myself after. I have enough self-loathing.
My dad has been horrible lately. I really wanted to take a short vacation to a nice sunny, warm place. A place without my father yelling, the dog climbing all over me constantly, the flies that my father brought in to the house from his birds hovering around my head, and a place that is quiet where I can sleep. My father called this “useless”. He doesn’t believe in vacations. In the last week he has also called me “useless”, “a bitch”, and “a waste”. I know it’s the medication talking but I am also sick and don’t need this. I just want a break.
I wanted to try to sell my jewelry too. I’m so afraid of failure and negative comments that I’ve talked myself out of it. I hate feeling this way. I’m agitated but really do not feel like doing anything. This sucks. To be stuck in limbo waiting for the next good day.
I know the title doesn’t make sense but I’m all over the place lately. Right now I’m extremely down. I should’ve seen it coming. I hate this weather, it’s always bad for me when it stays cold and rainy too long.
There are things I want to do. I want to travel. I want to try to sell my jewelry. But there are things I NEED first. I don’t want to do any of them. An eye exam, buying glasses and contacts, neutering my dog, paying hospital bills, taking care of my dad.
I’ve also had this need to rant a lot lately! The first is because a person put a meme on their Facebook Page that I thought was kind of rude but no one else did. It was a female Doctor talking to her female patient. She says “Don’t worry, you’re not Bipolar. You’re just a f*cking bitch!”. I didn’t want to say anything but the more I thought or obsessed over it the more it bothered me.
Then I watched an interview with a musician that I used to respect. He makes money off of other people’s misery. It bothers me. I hate fake people. He writes about addiction, depression, and suicide. He has experienced these things but has a casual view when it comes to himself. His writing is what draws the fans in. Too bad he has a habit of blocking or talking badly about his fans on Social Media. He does read most of what written. If he thinks you are annoying or you don’t agree with him, you’re gone. I wish his fans knew that about him. I’m not paranoid. I had my sister double check what I was saying and her husband is in the music business. It shouldn’t bother me but it does.
It bothers me lately that I’ve wasted so many years loving a man that was never going to love me back no matter what I did. We got along so well, laughed together, told each other everything, flirted and went on like this for years. Then I found out he was getting married and was expected to put $75 in a pool for his wedding gift! He never admitted to having a girlfriend. I waited. He got married in 2003. I waited. They had 2 children together. I waited. I wake up one day and realize it’s 2016 and I’m still waiting! Probably because we still talk. I think it’s odd that he only has his kids on his Facebook page and NO pictures of his wife. Not anywhere!
I always thought “If I could just lose weight maybe he would love me, if I only had the right clothes, hair, make-up, breast size, etc. he would love me”. Guess what? I went from 270 pounds to 125 pounds, I now have beautiful red hair, light blue eyes, nice clothes and make-up. IT DOESN’T MATTER! It was never going to happen. Now I have nothing left to give to someone else. I’m too tired. I’ve been hurt too many times. Physically and emotionally. Everyone around me says “You’re so lucky you never got married!” “You’re so lucky you never had kids!” Are they all mentally challenged?! Of course I wanted those things and thought I would have them. But my alcoholism and mental illness had other ideas. Why do most of the public feel it’s ok to comment on someone’s life? I’m tired of that too.
I just told another bill collector I’m dying and to leave me alone. I have to stop saying that! I think it’s funny but I’m twisted like that.
I feel everything racing today. My mind, heart, legs, even my hands are shaking and cold. The rest of me is sweating bullets. I can’t tell if it’s the infection I have or maybe menopause? The antibiotics are horrible. 1,000 milligrams of Ciprofloxacin is making me feel sick. I still have a week to go. The cold sweats are the worst. I’m also fighting with everyone and just want to hop a plane to somewhere warm and relaxing.
I casually mentioned putting my name on a Housing list to my dad. He didn’t take it well. I told him that the wait list is over 5 years! He has nothing in writing about what he wants done with the house. I don’t want to be left homeless. Friends and family used to say they would never let that happen. They don’t say that anymore. It’s funny how more people supported and talked to me when I was just a “drunk”. When they found out I have a Mental Illness the support disappeared. Humans, you gotta love em.
I have never lived on my own. I’ve always lived with my parents. I didn’t plan it that way. When I was younger I imagined living on my own or with my husband and kids. That wasn’t to be. My alcoholism and undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder often left me with no money and in trouble of some kind. There was a point I was making $40,000 a year. This is a lot if you don’t have to pay rent or utilities. I still had to claim bankruptcy several years ago. My spending sprees were out of control. I never wore the same outfit twice. I had an expensive perfume collection and a ton of high end makeup and hair products. I didn’t blink twice about walking into Nordstrom’s and picking up the largest size bottle of the “new” Chanel perfume, paying $150, and moving on to the next store.
My twin sister moved out for college as fast as she could and never came back. My brother was kicked out at 17 and never moved back. (They wouldn’t let him) My sister would call when she needed something but that was about it. The same went for my brother.
Around the year 2000-2001 my mother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. I was working 50 hours a week and trying to help her. They decided to operate and remove on of her lungs. The operation was difficult and there were complications. She was in a medically induced coma for a month. I was at the hospital everyday, work or no work. My brother and sister came every once and awhile. My sister’s workplace wasn’t as understanding as mine.
When she woke up and started physical therapy everything started to improve. Her sister even came back to our state to live. My mother thought of her sister as her best friend. They spent almost everyday together. I would sit and talk to them often. I loved to hear them laugh. My father and I spent the most time together. We share a passion for all animals and would go to the movies together.
About 6 years went by. My aunt had gastric bypass and decided to move back to Florida. My mom was devastated. In anger and pain she told my aunt that she “would die soon without her there”. It took almost 2 years to make that true.
My mom gave up on life. She was eating a lot secretly. She had diabetes and would hide bags of candy in her room. She had fluid around her heart and would eat 5 or 6 Bologna sandwiches at a time. She didn’t want to interact with any of us.
One night a scream woke me up. I ran to my mom’s room and she was crying in agony. She said her back hurt. She didn’t want to go to the hospital. I was awake with her the entire night. It would be the first of many long nights.
She started to lose control of her bladder and other bodily functions. I would have to go in to her room in the middle of night to clean her up and change her sheets. I would then have to get up early for my 12 to 14 hour work day. I still found time to drink though. It was the only think keeping me sane at that moment. My mom finally agreed to see a doctor. The doctor said she had broken a bone in her back and needed surgery! Because of the strong doses of chemo and radiation her bones had become weak. Her heart and lung doctors had to sign off on the surgery. I never thought she should’ve had it. I didn’t think she could handle being under anesthesia again and her heart wasn’t strong enough. Her doctors agreed to it anyway.
She needed a lot of help when she came home. My father did what he could and I did the rest. My brother and sister? They called or came over once every couple of months. It was expected of me to take care of my mom because I still lived with her. Working close to 50 hours a week, trying to take care of a chronically ill parent, and keep a house together was taking it’s toll. I drank more and was not the nicest of people to be around.
In 2008 my mother went into the hospital because she couldn’t breathe. Her doctor said she would be out by the next afternoon. She passed away that night.
In 2014 my dad started having problems with his kidneys and other areas. We found out he had gotten a rare virus that destroyed his kidneys and he had to go on dialysis right away. Again I was taking care of a chronically ill parent.
Recently he has had to go on Prednisone. This has changed his entire personality. He has threatened me physically, said horrible things to me and then cried like a baby. Again, my brother and sister are not around. My sister has told me to “just move out”. I wouldn’t leave him. He took care of me at my lowest point and I’ll return the favor no matter what. I know it isn’t him but the medication making him mean. It’s still extremely stressful. My sister doesn’t answer her phone. Yesterday my dad was talking nonsense about something in the Navy that happened in Cuba. He wasn’t making since at all. Of course I couldn’t reach my sister. He also screamed at a telemarketer and told me to get out of his house. My father hates swearing. The “F” word is foul to him. He hates when people use it all the time when speaking. I had to warn people when they came to my house not to swear or bring up alcohol. Alcohol is like the “F” word to him. To hear him say the word in a rage is scary. He has a deep voice that has shaken the windows at times. I walk on egg shells constantly. The other night I was dry heaving in the toilet because I was so anxious about what he was going to do.
I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with all of it. There are people in the family expecting something from my dad when he passes. The house is to be sold and split 3 ways. He has NOTHING IN WRITING! It sounds horrible but I don’t think my brother or sister deserve anything. They have never thanked my dad for the many things he has done for them. They don’t visit or call. They have not been here! They have not held both parents while they cried in pain. They have not changed soiled sheets daily while dealing with their own health problems. They both put their heads in the sand and pretend everything is ok. I’ll be the one left homeless if they have their way. They know nothing about his hobbies and what to do with his collections. I do. I have become so frustrated and disgusted. I tried to talk to my sister this morning but she didn’t like the “tone” of my text. lol She said she was having a “bad” day and couldn’t talk. Shocker! I’m done being nice and agreeing with everyone. I need to have a life.
I have always had a hard time differentiating between sarcasm, a joke, or reading between the lines. I am extremely sensitive at times and will misread a situation quickly. It’s always been a problem for me. I also obsess over what someone has said to me and what they actually meant.
This almost always happens with men. I don’t know how to read them. I spent most of my interactions with men drunk. Then when I first tried sober I was so hurt by the person I didn’t know what to do. I dislike it when a person won’t come out and tell the truth. They joke and dance around the subject. I’d rather be back with the low lifes I used to hang out with, at least they are honest and you know where you stand.
I still talk to a man I used to work with for years and had a “friendship” with. It probably isn’t healthy but he is the only one who notices when something is off with me and worries. We were best friends and flirted a lot when working together. Customers thought we were married. When I would ask him if he had a girlfriend he would say “Don’t believe what you hear”. When I would try to get an answer about how he felt about me he avoided the question. He would then go out of his way to see me and call constantly. I was young and confused and I think his family issues played a big part in things. He’s married now with children. I’m in a better place mentally and he understands how he acted years ago was hurtful.
Of course he said something recently that I took the wrong way and still have not cleared things up with him. He went back to his old ways of pretending he didn’t know what I was talking about. I think I’ll just leave it alone. It isn’t worth the hassle. Yes we get along like brother and sister but there will always be an underlying issue that we don’t talk about.