There is so much I want to do. Fear stops me from doing anything. I have been in a depressed state for a few over a week now. I hate it. I want to run away, hide, yell, hit people, and curse my brain for making me suffer. I’ve thought of drinking lately and that isn’t like me. I wouldn’t. It isn’t worth the physical effects let alone how I would feel about myself after. I have enough self-loathing.
My dad has been horrible lately. I really wanted to take a short vacation to a nice sunny, warm place. A place without my father yelling, the dog climbing all over me constantly, the flies that my father brought in to the house from his birds hovering around my head, and a place that is quiet where I can sleep. My father called this “useless”. He doesn’t believe in vacations. In the last week he has also called me “useless”, “a bitch”, and “a waste”. I know it’s the medication talking but I am also sick and don’t need this. I just want a break.
I wanted to try to sell my jewelry too. I’m so afraid of failure and negative comments that I’ve talked myself out of it. I hate feeling this way. I’m agitated but really do not feel like doing anything. This sucks. To be stuck in limbo waiting for the next good day.