First, the good news. I booked the trip to Orlando, Florida 5 days 4 nights with a Meet and Greet for Sebastian Bach. Between Airfare, Hotel, Ticket and VIP package I spent a total of $588. I thought it was a pretty good deal and will admit to being somewhat manic when making my decision.

My father is less than thrilled. He’s actually kind of pissed. I think he’s more afraid than anything. This will be my first concert sober. I have not really been out at night for the last 7 years. My dad has this weird notion that you only drink alcohol at night. Probably because of all the late night phone calls he received to come get me at the hospital, jail, or some weird place. I can’t blame him for feeling the way he does. After coming so close to death in the last 10 months and knowing what my future probably holds, I decided to start living. I can’t be afraid of letting my dad down or making him angry over the smallest things. Because I am Bipolar with Conversion Disorder and an extreme Anxiety Disorder, my life is automatically shortened by 12 years. The numbers for people with Celiac Disease is a 10 year loss of life expectancy. If you add in my Stage Three Chronic Kidney Disease I’m toast in a few years! I really do take these numbers with a grain of salt but it’s still doesn’t change the facts. Life is short.

I have been asked why I want to do this trip. My dad will never understand and most people won’t. I FEEL EVERYTHING TEN TIMES MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE. I am sensitive, dramatic, I read into everything someone says or does, I’m hurt too easily, I live in the past where there are good memories and monsters. This is me. My one outlet has always been music.

When I listen to a song or watch a performance and I feel moved or understood that is the greatest feeling in the world. I envy those that can get up on a stage and belt out a song with all of their feelings and pain or joy spilling out of them. If I could sing out my pain I would be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I still try to sing in my car, I’m just not very good. It’s still a release. A song can bring me up or bring me down. When I hear lyrics that resonate with events in my life it’s even more invigorating.

Now I’ll move on to Humans. For some reason I don’t consider myself to be in this category. lol I don’t know why. The loss of humanity I see on a daily basis just enforces my need not to be associated with other people. There was a post on Facebook about how Doctors freely give out too much pain medication, knowing the person is an addict. That they are doing this for the money. This person had lost her best friend to a drug overdose. They both had worked for me for a few years. I was a little disgruntled with her placing all of the blame at the feet of the Doctors. I knew back then that her friend had Mental Health issues. I was just too caught up in my own crap to want to help.

I believe that blaming the Doctors is pointless. Most addicts are drinking or using drugs to escape something. It might be trauma or Mental Illness the point is they don’t or I didn’t drink a case of beer and a pint of anything a day because I liked the taste of alcohol and making an ass out of myself. I did it because the pain, anxiety, worthlessness, fear, all of it became too much. I did do some drugs but alcohol was my choice. Notice I use the word choice. Alcohol isn’t a thing that holds you down and makes you drink it. You make a choice and keep making that choice to feel normal.  It bothers me that more people do not see this as a Mental Health Issue. If you go to a “specialist”, whether it’s for your back or your brain, a lot of them will not be as knowledgeable about other health matters as they should be. A back doctor might suspect drug abuse but doesn’t really know the ins and outs of addiction.

I myself had gone to a Neurologist who suggested I have a drink or two a day for my tremors. He is a well respected doctor. I asked him if he had read my file. He said he had. I said “You know I’m an alcoholic right?” he says “Oh but you can still have one or two drinks can’t you?”. He hasn’t been the only one. I can’t count how many health professionals do not understand  what Gluten is. This is where there needs to be a change.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73


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