I took a trip recently to Florida for some me time and to see a concert. About 2 months before I left I had noticed that in the mornings my behavior was horrible. I would pick fights with anyone who happened to be in front of me. This feeling would lessen as the day went on. My dad had noticed it also because I live with him.

I had looked up one of my medications, Topamax, and found many patients had the same reaction I did after being on it for a long period of time. Topamax was originally a seizure and migraine medication. Now it is used as a mood stabilizer and one part of a prescription weight loss drug.

I stopped taking it without telling my Doctor. Why didn’t I tell him? Probably because at every visit he will ask ” Have we tried you on BLANK?” How am I supposed to remember every medication he’s ever put me on? He has the computer right in front of him. I remember some of the really bad ones like Brintellix. But not all of them. I have tried at least 25 different combinations in the last 6 years plus ECT. You would think he would have my file ready before my appointment so he can see for himself what I have been on.

I started taking the Topamax again because I started having the problem. Biting everyone’s head off and my moods changing frequently. I was really good until about a week ago. I am really tired of medications. I’m tired of people asking me about my medications. “Did you take your meds today?”.

The Topamax is also used for alcoholism. It wasn’t given to me for that but was a side benefit. While I was on it I had no desire, want, or need, for alcohol. Lately I feel the opposite. I have been under an extreme amount of stress with my dad’s health, family arguments, isolation, and everyday crap. I have not drank since the one time in Florida but the need is there a little bit. I admit that when I think about it I want to vomit.

I hate when people lie to me. I know I have said this before but it continues to happen. No one wants to deal with my dad but you can bet that if something happens they will be the first ones here looking for money or anything else of value. It makes me extremely angry.

Trying to control my anger lately has been difficult. I go to my room and scream into my pillow when it gets too bad. If I wasn’t so tired, scared, and lazy I would find someone to talk to.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73


  • Pieces of Bipolar

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. It’s not easy being a caretaker. Perhaps a visit to your doc would be a good idea, what with the irritability and extra family stress. Maybe a small change or addition to meds would be just the right thing. I know you’re tired of meds, it’s just something to think about. In the meantime, I send you ((hugs)) and hope that today is a peaceful day for you

    Liked by 1 person

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