You know those lists you see on Pinterest or Facebook that say “TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A BIPOLAR LOVED ONE”. I think I have had every single one of them said to me in the last couple of weeks plus a few extra.
Between my father, sister, ex sister-in law, and best friend I’m ready to commit myself or give up entirely.
I heard some of the same things repeatedly. “I don’t know what to do for you anymore. You’re always depressed or negative.” “It’s too hard to be around you when you’re like this ALL the time!” (For the record the only other human I’ve been in the same room with is my dad. I have not been face to face with anyone else for more than 30 seconds in at least 6 months.) “You need more help. Join a group or something. Be with people who are like you.” “Yes, other people in the family are avoiding you. Sometimes it’s too exhausting to be around you.” “I love you, but I don’t think we can have a relationship anymore. I have to think of my own well being” (My twin sister. This meant not seeing the kids either and felt like I had been kicked in the chest).
Now imagine hearing all of this in a 2 week span while dealing with a medication change, ANOTHER kidney infection and another round of antibiotics interfering with your medications, dealing with a sick father you live with, rapid cycling, and just overall feeling like crap. It doesn’t help.
I don’t want anyone to fix me. I don’t want advice from them. What I want is for one of them to call and say “Hey! Want to grab a coffee and take a ride?”. Simple as that. Not one of them will do it. It’s like I now have leprosy. My sister did invite me to go to the Aquarium with her and the kids this week. But of course I somehow ruined it during the conversation. She made it clear that we couldn’t stay overnight and had other rules. There was a time where we would have stayed at a Hotel for few days with the kids and walked around. I can only assume she doesn’t want to be around me that long. It isn’t the money. I know that.
I’m becoming tired of everyone telling me to change. Telling me everything I do wrong. I have had to deal with so much this year. I’m at the point where if they don’t understand I’m ready to cut them loose.