Today is my brother’s 50th birthday. I’m frightened for him, of him and about him. A part of me doesn’t want him to show up at my house. The house we grew up in. I know he will most likely be high and drunk. The last time he came here I was already asleep. My dad sleeps on the couch downstairs now because it’s easier for him. He heard the knock on the door late at night.

My brother continuously told my father that all he needed was to “smoke a bowl” to feel better. He told him he didn’t need all this “medication”. Funny how he said the same to me.

The next day I finally took the step I promised never to take. The problem was my brother was approaching 50, denied having an alcohol problem and told everyone he had an ex-wife problem instead. No one found this funny. He is a drunk that repeats himself about himself. How much money he makes and where he works. Or how smart he is even though my parents threw him out of the house. He never brags about losing all his money gambling and having to sell his mini mansion and boat or that he lives out of a motel now.

So I called him. He never answers, just like my sister, so I told him not to call or come over anymore. It was too stressful on Dad and me. My dad is actually his stepfather. My dad raised him since he was about 5. When my brother found out about his biological father in his early teens everything changed. He almost single handedly destroyed our family. My sister still doesn’t talk to him. I understood his pain and hurt but as more years went by and our mom passed he became more selfish. No one had more pain than him. When it was my dad who lost his best friend, wife, mother of his children, his rock.

I can’t watch him drunk and going on and on about his wife and kids when I have too many of my own problems. I am barely keeping my head above water as it is.

I just found out how much it costs to keep my kidneys working every 3 to 4 months. $974 is the amount I have to pay. I then have to pay some separate costs for anesthesia. Believe me I was thinking of going without it until I actually watched the procedure being done. Yikes!!!! I’m glad I was asleep for the others. So I’ll sit her and color until someone calls, shows up, or I take a nap. The good part about the nap is Dutchie has to curl into my stomach with my arm around to sleep with me. I’m on my side. He’ll stay that way for hours. He’s a cuddler. What a face!!

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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