PRIDE BEFORE THE FALL

My Dad was released from the Hospital yesterday afternoon. He had his Aortic Aneurysm Graft repaired because it was leaking. It was a risky surgery because they have gone through his groin 3 times recently for surgeries and he’s on Dialysis and has Vascular problems. He spent his 1 day of recovery in the ICU.

I woke up this morning with my usual stiff neck, joints, and back pain. Stumbled out of bed and made my way downstairs. I expected to find my dad on the couch or if not there at least outside in the yard. I didn’t expect to find his truck gone. He didn’t leave a note.

I called my sister. If you have read anything previous by me you’re probably wondering “what the hell did she do that for?”. The only reasons I have are habit and hope. She didn’t pick up or return my call. I’m not sure how other families are, but I think most would try to answer their phone knowing their father was just released from the ICU after a major surgery. That’s just me I guess.

When he did come home, he came in carrying heavy bags of groceries. The phone rang just as he sat down. I made no attempt to answer it. Of course it was my sister. My dad went down the list of all the things he had done this morning. I became more angry as I listened to each one. My sister on the other hand was encouraging. She then wanted to speak to me.

I told her I had a problem with him doing all of these things then bragging about them like it was a contest. She said it was a good a thing. That he needed to feel he COULD do these things. I understand that, but he hadn’t even been out of the hospital a full 24 hours when he did them. His pride is going to kill him. My anxiety and constant worrying about him is going to kill me. This took us right down the same path of me getting “help” or going into a hospital for “inpatient” care. My family might  hear me when I speak, but they don’t listen. Maybe it’s one of the reasons I repeat myself so often. I even do it here. I even type the same words two times in a row. I do this often.

I’ve been banished to my room for a “time out” by my dad. Did I mention I’m 43? I was crying too much. It’s what I do in the morning until about 2 or 3 p.m. then I get a little better. Diurnal Variation I think it’s called. Topamax can make it worse. I looked at houses to rent if I get to go on a vacation. It calms me down a little. Lately I just want my mom. There are none of the usual triggers. It isn’t her birthday or the anniversary of her death so I don’t why I’m having dreams about her and missing her so much more than usual.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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