Today wasn’t a great day. I went to my Urologist. I arrived 20 minutes. It seems I’m always late these days. I have no concept of time. I always have a feeling of being lost or like I can’t find what I’m looking for. There’s a constant ache inside of me that feels like grief. I don’t know why.
The Urologist confirmed that I there’s a problem with my stents and I have to take antibiotics. I already suspected this because my back hurts and I’ve been running a fever. I also feel sluggish. My dad isn’t doing well either. He’s depressed. Nothing I say or do can help him. He doesn’t know how to handle his feelings so he lashes out at me.
My sister just called me for an update. It’s what she does instead of actually coming to visit our father. At the end of our conversation I asked her a question that has been bothering me lately.
I asked her if she was worried to have her children spend time with me. She said that I “was making stuff up in my head”. She also added that she did invite me to go with them to The Aquarium a few weeks ago. I don’t remember this. She could have.
Last year she always invited me over. Her and I would take the kids to local places and then to lunch. This year supposedly I was invited to the one thing. Ever since her husband and I had a disagreement it appears that she’s avoiding me. She repeatedly said the words “you’re making stuff up”. I didn’t like it. What person with a mental illness wants to hear that from their family? It hurt me. Everything hurts me. Now I’ll hear about how I’m “too sensitive” and she can’t talk to me when I get like that. So why bother at all?
It’s funny when I speak to my family in Florida they have nothing negative to say to me. They actually keep asking me to come visit for awhile. I will be taking them up on the offer soon. I hope.