“Goddamn it! Goddamn! GODDAMN IT!”. He’s only been home twenty minutes. I immediately knew what he was mad about. I knew it was probably a bad idea when I did it. I just couldn’t TAKE IT ANYMORE!

We have 2 birds in our dining area. The dining area is connected to the kitchen. There is a Sulphur Crested Cockatoo in one cage and an African Grey Parrot in the other. They are both birds with long lifespans. They throw their food around and splash in their water. My father also has over 300 Fancy Pigeons (Russian Tumblers, Saxon Monks) outside to take care of. He refuses to admit that he can longer take care of all them. He has been trying to cut back on his Fancy Pigeons, he recently gave away 17! And in that time 5 more hatched. He won’t cull. If he sees the egg has been fertilized he won’t destroy it. I can’t fault him for that. I know some bird men that break the necks of the babies. My father would never hurt an animal.

The inside birds bring mice. The mice are attracted to the food they throw around. We have woods in our backyard that are filled with field mice. Every single time I go to get my oil and filter changed the guy will say “You know you had a mouse nest in your filter?”. The first few times I thought they just wanted more money because I wasn’t going to change my filter. I had my Dad look before I brought it one time. A mouse ran up his arm and on to his head. He fell backwards trying to get it off. Yup, there was a nest.

We can’t really poison them because of the dogs. Both dogs are not picky about what they eat. A dead mouse would be a treat for them. My dad was using traps. Then he found something that would be toxic to the mice but not dogs. I didn’t ask. The next thing I know it’s like Amityville Horror in here. The amount of flies was disturbing. I hate flies because I know their life cycle and it involves maggots. We thought we had solved our fly problem before I went to Florida.

Last week I see 2 flies. That’s how it starts. Today we are back up to a 100. I can’t take it. I hung a fly strip in the kitchen over the garbage. It wasn’t exactly visible. But it wasn’t in a place where we use things all the time. Of course my father chose today to grab a pan we never use where the fly paper was hanging. It stuck to his arm and had flies on it.

As soon as I heard him I knew. As soon as I heard the tone in his voice I felt flushed. I tried to explain. This is how I tried “Ssssooorrryy dddaaaddd Iiiii dddiiiiddnnn’tttt mmeeaann” he told me to stop because he couldn’t understand me anyway so what was the point? My head was shaking and I was still trying to explain but my throat was closing. Nothing was coming out.

How I hate this. Weakness. Vulnerability. Powerless. In my mind I can say everything clearly. In an actual situation I turn to mush. I am trapped in my own head. I’m screaming at myself “You idiot! What are you doing? Spit it out!”. This only makes things worse.

When someone walks away from me it hurts. It says to me that I’m not worth your time. Unfortunately my family does this the most.

I never know when it will hit me. I hate being startled. I always have. The look of hurt in my Dad’s eyes when he sees the fear in mine is enough to destroy me.

Rosie is the Cockatoo. When her mate passed she started pulling out her breast feathers. They have started to come back. The African Grey is Wiseguy. He talks and imitates noises. His best is the microwave and my dad answering the phone.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

You must be logged in to post a comment.

%d bloggers like this: