I really enjoy having my Conversion Disorder set off by 10:25 in the morning. It’s now getting to the point where I find myself cringing at my father’s voice. A man I once respected and loved with all my heart. He’s growling into the phone about his tires being put on wrong. Now he’s headed down there. I tried to stutter out that he needed to calm down but was told to “stay out of it”. If the police are called I will not go to the police station that they will have to take him to. I’ve had to stay overnight there when I was younger. It wasn’t pleasant. Not that being in jail should be pleasant, but they knew who I hung around with and made it worse. It’s a very small state.
The African Grey Parrot is now saying “Goddamn! Goddamn!” repeatedly in my father’s voice. What joy!! I just got off the phone with my sister who had nothing in the way of comfort for me. She just wanted to talk about her stomach, the kids, and her stomach. I must have sounded like I may have thought about crying because she said “Don’t get emotional or I’m hanging up”. So no emotions were used during that conversation.
I want to run. I want to run far away. We all know this. My guilt and sense of responsibility keeps me here.
OTHER MENTAL HEALTH BLOGGERS
There are one or two bloggers of mental health that more than annoy me. When I read about Bipolar Disorder I want to read the truth. I want to read how people have struggled with it.
I don’t want to read how someone has meditated or done a rebirthing class and was cleansed of their illness. I don’t want to read about how a plant based diet cured them.
One “blogger” at the very beginning says she is an award winning writer, speaker, and social media consultant. She works to bring quality, insightful and trusted information on bipolar disorder and related illnesses to the public while engaging with the mental health community.
- Her sentences sound off. The punctuation and grammar are wrong. I do it when I’m blogging but not in a professional capacity.
- How nice of her to “engage” with the mental health community considering she’s Bipolar.
- She doesn’t mention she’s Bipolar until way, way, down the page.
- She is for HIRE to speak professionally about Bipolar Disorder and Mental Illness even though she is not a Doctor or a Therapist but did write a book.
- She once responded to me that my feelings and symptoms “didn’t quite sound like hers or anyone else that she knows with Bipolar Disorder” and that was the extent of her “help” when I was at my lowest.
I’m not saying that anyone should give medical advice. I am saying that I have personally talked privately with people from here who were struggling and hurting and I have listened to them, prevented one of them from hurting themselves, all by LISTENING AND RESPONDING. Sometimes all it takes is showing up and being there.
That’s all I want. I want to know when things get so bad I would rather end my life than see another ocean view, that someone will be there to remind me, who I was, who I am.