I bend over to pet Gigi and JoJo the Papillons. They’re brother and sister that were saved at the same time. I notice the sun shining on the small hairs on my arm. As I look up I notice Misty chasing Wolfie around the back of the yard. I think to myself “I hope Wolfie stays in the yard because his wolf like appearance frightens the neighbors”. My mother is standing at the grille and smiling at me. She says “I love you” and I can see her delicate but arthritic hands. It starts to get cloudy and cold. I feel scared not warm and safe like a few minutes before. Someone is calling my name, it’s a man. I don’t want to go.

I hear Pearl Jam’s song “Release” or some call it “Release Me” playing somewhere. I open my eyes a little bit and there’s a shadow in a doorway. The same phrase plays over and over. “I’ll ride the wave where it takes me”, “I’ll hold the pain release me”. I say to someone “Put me back”. No one listens. I say it louder “PUT ME BACK!”. I hear voices say “she’s waking up Doctor!” and “take the vent out”. I am told I repeatedly said to “put me back”. No one knew what I meant.

I knew what I meant. I was dead. I was with my mom and my animals. There was no judgement, no guilt, no pain. My heart was full of love for every living thing I had seen there. Most important for the first time in 20 years I felt no pain in my chest. No aching hole as if something I couldn’t name had been torn out.

I did die that day I went into Kidney Failure. No one wants to talk about it. So I don’t. They feel guilty because they didn’t answer the phone. My father was at Dialysis, he has an excuse. My twin sister was home as they tried to ask if a Bipolar person who most likely wasn’t stable, wanted a DNR. I refused the Priest. It was bad enough getting looks after telling the staff I am Bipolar, telling them I am an Atheist was icing on the cake.

I felt sort of calm when the Doctor told me how bad it was. I felt a warm flush that went up to my head. A humming started in my ears and I tuned everything out. I thought of who I needed to apologize to and who I wanted to say goodbye to. I left a message on W’s machine. That was it. Then I fell asleep.

P.S. I should start photography again. I love this pic I took.


About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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