What the world hears when I speak is whining, complaining, drama, pressured speech, and sometimes stuttering.
What I see when I speak is annoyance, aggravation, rolling of the eyes, and sometimes anger. I scream internally at myself to change subjects, stop talking, or walk away. My brain doesn’t listen.
I am embarrassed and ashamed as I leave a store where I’ve talked too much. I often spend 15-20 minutes in my car crying in a parking lot calling myself stupid.
What the world doesn’t understand is that I and many like me can’t shut off our illnesses.
The people around us, including loved ones, can’t understand why after 3,5,8, years we are not cured or better.
What the world should hear when we speak is the fact that a large portion of us will never get better than what we are now. We have been through traumatic experiences, went without a diagnosis for too long, or our brains have other problems that won’t allow us to get better only worse.
Some of us imagined different lives for ourselves. We are now just coming to terms with the fact that our life isn’t going to be what we thought it was.
If the world slowed down a little and thought about what it would be like trapped in your own mind without much control of your emotions or memories 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for the rest of your life maybe there would be more understanding.
I don’t see that happening any time soon. When I personally try to help other organizations, charities, or extend help in any way, I am ignored because all they see is my illness and my past.
I refuse to apologize anymore for being an Alcoholic or for having Mental Health Issues. I phrase it that way because I have more than Bipolar. I have taken every step I’ve been advised to take in order to maintain some balance. Unfortunately, it isn’t as easy as the Doctors thought it would be.
I do what I can for the people I can. If it helps someone else avoid the mistakes I’ve made or gain information they didn’t have before then maybe I’ll be leaving something of worth behind.