I often see a quote that says “Bipolars, great in bed, hard to live with”. I would have to say I agree on some level.

Not many people are jumping to talk about their sex lives. Maybe a few are but not many women are willing to tell the truth when it comes to how many partners they have had or one night stands. This is the same for a Bipolar woman or a woman without a mental illness. There is still a double standard.

Before I was diagnosed as Bipolar I drank heavily for most of my life. It felt like most of my life starting at 16/17 and continuing until 35/36. I’m sorry for not being accurate but cognitive and memory problems go with the territory for me on most things.

I had many Manic Episodes while drinking. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions to begin with and the symptoms for mania are poor decision making and impulsiveness. Your sex drive also increases.

For me it was more about the ritual of it. Getting dressed up, drinking, becoming the hunter, and the pursuit. It wasn’t actually about the sex itself. I had more self-confidence and wanted to push boundaries. I also had people who encouraged this.

The person I drank with liked to pick out a guy he thought was way out of my league and taunt me into trying to hook up with him. He would sit back at the bar with the rest of guys and wait to see what happened. For me it became a game of pride. I was tired of being the fat girl with a pretty face that was every guys friend. I was also tired of the bullying that went on around other people.

I’m not proud of it but I usually succeeded. At the time I didn’t feel anything. The next day was another story.

Waking up in strange places, not knowing someone’s name, not remembering if I did have sex, not remembering if I consented at times, having bruises I couldn’t explain, it went on and on for years.

Several years ago right before I quit drinking, my best friend’s boyfriend said to me “D your always trying to prove a point that you don’t need to prove. You are a beautiful girl inside and out”. It took me a few days to digest what he said and to realize he was right.

When I quit drinking I also stopped having sex. The truth is I wouldn’t know how to talk to a man sober, hold hands sober, kiss sober, or anything else sober. It’s a scary thought for me.

Am I isolating myself on purpose because of this fear? Probably. At 43 soon to be 44 I don’t see a way to change things anytime soon. There is so much other baggage that has to be worked through. It doesn’t mean I’ve totally thrown in the towel. If it happens it happens if it doesn’t then I’ll still be here working on myself.726e46d6a15067d0002389b77fe4b3b8

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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