I know I’m manic. I’ve started 8 posts and finished 0. A million thoughts run through my head very few of them positive. I have no one to talk to and this frustrates and saddens me. The Holidays make everything worse.

I was reading a Tweet the other day where the person was excited/happy that he was going to his Goddaughter’s school for the day. You know what my first thought was? I’m not allowed to be a Godparent. I love my twin sister’s 2 boys and would do anything for them. They love me and are always happy to see me. They talk to me more than any other adult.

Because I am Bipolar my brother in law decided for the both of them that I couldn’t be a Godparent. This is according to my sister so I can’t be sure. It hurts either way. Lately everything hurts. Every comment, every phone call ignored, and the silence in between.

I wonder more and more lately if any of this is worth it anymore. If I should go off my meds, fly to a warm climate and go on a bender. Would I do it? Probably not. I’m just saying what I feel like. It’s getting worse. I don’t like this feeling of being manic and depressed at the same time. I’m pulled in different directions at once and can’t make a decision about anything. I hope it ends soon.thekbrsm2z

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

2 responses to “MANIC AND I KNOW IT

  • OnTheRocks

    I am struggling in similar ways as well. One day I’m on top of the world and the next I’m hating and kicking myself. Most of it is my own doing, but this hypomania scares me because it could lead to a disaster. I just feel so off and it’s very uncomfortable. It’s just getting exhausting. I try to stay positive, but today I just can’t. I hope this settles for you soon. Mixed states are not fun. Thinking of ya.

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