I know I’m manic. I’ve started 8 posts and finished 0. A million thoughts run through my head very few of them positive. I have no one to talk to and this frustrates and saddens me. The Holidays make everything worse.
I was reading a Tweet the other day where the person was excited/happy that he was going to his Goddaughter’s school for the day. You know what my first thought was? I’m not allowed to be a Godparent. I love my twin sister’s 2 boys and would do anything for them. They love me and are always happy to see me. They talk to me more than any other adult.
Because I am Bipolar my brother in law decided for the both of them that I couldn’t be a Godparent. This is according to my sister so I can’t be sure. It hurts either way. Lately everything hurts. Every comment, every phone call ignored, and the silence in between.
I wonder more and more lately if any of this is worth it anymore. If I should go off my meds, fly to a warm climate and go on a bender. Would I do it? Probably not. I’m just saying what I feel like. It’s getting worse. I don’t like this feeling of being manic and depressed at the same time. I’m pulled in different directions at once and can’t make a decision about anything. I hope it ends soon.