SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LET GO

I keep thinking I can handle Social Media. The truth is I can’t. So I have to get off the train before it derails.

The last straw was when a person spoke up about Cyberbullying in a blunt and truthful manor. I thanked him because no one else has said it that clearly. He actually said “We don’t want you as listeners. We don’t need people like you.” He didn’t respond which was fine. What wasn’t fine was the retweet of my Tweet from @ShouldBeSteril. A person who advocates for the sterilization of the Mentally Ill, people with low IQs or physical defects, basically anyone who isn’t perfect.

I can’t say I was too surprised because I’ve had it said or written to me before. I put myself out there as an advocate for Mental Health. I made my life an open book.

What these “people” don’t realize is I’m a human being. Yes I chose to not have children when I was diagnosed. But don’t think for a minute that I didn’t want them. Before I was diagnosed as Bipolar I knew I drank too much and didn’t live a lifestyle suitable to raise a child. At least I knew this when so many do not.

The part that hurt was when the word “choice” was taken away. When I no longer had one. When my body decided without me to go into early Menopause leaving me unable to have children beginning at the age of 39.

Just to punish myself I watched Bridget Jones’s Baby last night. She’s 43 (same age as I am now) and finds herself pregnant not knowing who the father is. I really must hate myself. I cried through the entire thing. So thanks for the suggestion of sterilization but you’re too late. Plus I’ve been Celibate for over 8 years by choice, although your celibacy probably isn’t.

So I’m going to cool it on the Social Media. My blogs will post there but I will not actually go on Twitter any longer. It’s where I always find trouble and end up feeling much worse about everything. I can’t handle it. I take everything too personally. I am the Bipolar person you hear about that walks around with every nerve ending constantly exposed. No matter what I do, medications I try, Shock Therapy, it only worsens. I probably cry 20 times a day. Not always due to sadness. I cry because I’m frustrated, alone, scared, haven’t heard a human voice in days, I smell something that brings back a memory, I see something that recalls a memory, and again frustration. I have such a difficult time expressing myself with words to people in person that I’ve given up. I start to sweat, I can feel the blood rushing to my head, and the stuttering starts. The more I’m embarrassed about my stuttering the worse it is. Then I cry because I can’t talk.

I give up. It isn’t worth it anymore. I wanted to try to make a difference. I wanted to help. Now I want nothing. I want to not shower for a month, go out to the wilderness and find a pack to take me in. That isn’t crazy talking I’ve always felt more comfortable with animals. I understand how they work. Humans are too cruel and complex.f92789ba355310bf8b8bc3f53a05bbc9

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

7 responses to “SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LET GO

  • Pieces of Bipolar

    Thanks for making your voice hear on Twitter. The fact that you got a hostile responds means you hit a nerve. Success!!!! I also chose not to have children. I’m bipolar and my ex is an alcoholic. Having left him and living alone, its a place where regret creeps up on me. My experience of Twitter is, its a vicious place. Stay here. We love you just the way you are ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  • Rob

    I loved “I want to not shower for a month, go out to the wilderness and find a pack to take me in” I often feel the same way. Twitter is nothing more than a place for people to throw shit into the universe without consequence. Find yourself a nice blog family of like-minded people who give a shit about your existence.

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      I always find comfort here. My biggest downfall has always been “the past”. I loved Hair Bands, Rock Concerts, going to shows, meeting the talented people who wrote music that I loved so much. I have to realize that I’m sober, 43, and the time for all of that has passed. The saddest part is the amount of musicians that are just like me, but end up dead because they refuse to ask for help or think meds interfere with their creativity. I’m a little manic so now I want to move to L.A. and be a roadie. lol

      Liked by 1 person

    • Rob

      Roadie so not a good idea lol.

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Part of my brain knows that. The other part still remembers the old days or even several months ago when my meds were not working. I was manic and decided to fly to Florida and see Sebastian Bach. His people gave me passes for a pre-show meet and greet which turned into an after show thing. I’ve met a lot of people but this was the first semi famous one where I wasn’t 250 pounds. It didn’t go so well. lol Thank you for letting me ramble. My twin doesn’t even do that.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Rob

      Please share as much as you need. You have a twin fascinating! One must reinvent oneself in order to evolve past things that were a burden previously

      Liked by 1 person

You must be logged in to post a comment.

%d bloggers like this: