LETTING THE MONSTER OUT *Mature Subject Matter*

I’m tired of Categories and Tags it’s become a frustrating form of labeling thoughts, memories and feelings that I’m beginning to loathe. I am beginning to loathe and despise quite a few things over the last several months. It’s killing me from the inside out. I’m not sure I care.

I make the same mistakes over and over. I write or say something I think is insightful or clever. I see someone that ” I think ” has the same insight and interests as me. They don’t. These people are usually not obtainable to the public but because in the past I’ve met so many before and still know some, in my head I believe there’s nothing wrong “liking” something they’ve said or sometimes commenting. The problem is it’s always been People, Places, and Things with me. If I don’t get a response to anything I think I’m secretly blocked and being monitored. Or I’m not “smart enough”, “pretty enough”, “sane enough”, or “invisible”. None of this feels good. The BIGGEST PROBLEM IS I don’t want fame, fortune, a meet and greet, free stuff, or to hang out. I just like the fact that someone else has the same “obscure” interests and point of view I have about most things.

My family doesn’t like to talk about any of the topics I’m interested in. They do not feel that they are “healthy” subjects. (sorry about all of the quotes I just like them) I find them fascinating enough to keep me out of my own head. That’s good enough for me.

Up until several years ago I had one of the best DVD and Book collections according to me.

I had this beautiful coffee table book that explained in detail every Religions concept/idea of Hell and Satan. What they thought Hell looked like, what they called it, what they called Satan, how you were sent there, and it was illustrated! I also had various rare books on different types of Voodoo, African Voodoo being a precursor to Haitian Vodou/Voodoo. Then there’s Hoodoo which has become more popular due to love spells, curses, revenge rituals, all of which are not Voodoo practices.

I had every book in the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series. The first 8? Are better than any Vampire Book/TV series out there now or previously. The female character is a hundred times better than Sookie Stackhouse. Anita Blake is the one in control from the start, there is no naivete here. She’s jaded and kicks ass. Unfortunately it turns to mostly Vamp Porn in her later books.

As far as movies went I worked for the biggest National Rental chain. If I happened to see an obscure title that was going on “Moratorium” or “Back in The Vault” I would know to buy it. Most of the time I bought foreign films or Indies that the owner’s were too afraid to take a chance on. I would spend my own money and put it out on the floor. I didn’t care if I wasn’t getting the profit as long as other people were able enjoy the films too.

I remember doing this with Hedwig and The Angry Inch after seeing it in a theater in Oakland, California. The performances were genius, so was the music. The same with La Vie en Rose. This caused some trouble. The front office did notice one thing. When your numbers improved. I had to go to the owner’s and explain why my 2 stores had higher numbers in “certain categories and titles that had not been approved for any of the stores” I only confessed to La Vie en Rose because it had just been nominated and knew they weren’t going to do anything to someone who made them money on a film that was just nominated for an Oscar. It was difficult watching 2 people own a business who only watched Sex in The City and thought The Fast and The Furious was the best movie ever made. Sometimes it was difficult keeping words in my mouth.

I owned a box set of every Oliver Stone film made. Never opened. I also had a box set of every Tarantino film made, never opened. I had all of Clive Barker’s horror based films, another film that’s hard to find called Dust Devil from 1992, and a rare movie Cannibal Holocaust (don’t judge).

Cannibal Holocaust (1980) has an erratic backstory. After the movie premiere, the Italian courts seized the film and arrested the director, Ruggero Deodato. They charged him with murdering several actors on cameras, and he faced life in prison. What the Italian Court didn’t know was the cast had signed contracts stating they would “disappear” for a year after shooting of the film to maintain the realism of the film. They were finally found and Deodato was released.

Italy banned the film for 3 years, and Norway had it banned until 2003. Ruggero Deodato was compelled to make the film after seeing his son watch a gruesome news story on TV. He noticed they focused on the carnage and violence more than anything else. He thought some of it was staged to create more sensational footage.

I will tell you that I never watched Cannibal Holocaust. I didn’t want to open it and after reading how many animals were killed during filming I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I also have a hard time with films that do things solely for shock value. But I knew the history behind it and that it wasn’t going to be available long.

I had a display case much like my father’s antique clock case filled with DVDs. Hundreds of them. Then I found myself feeling worse than I ever had before. I was having trouble at work, where I could usually ignore the little jabs and comments I was finding it harder and harder. I found myself wanting to drink more and more. At the time I had been limiting myself to binging on the weekends. I was crying at everything. My hands were beginning to shake more.

The final day came when I lost it. There was no going back. My boss at the Hair Salon had made comments in front me and clients like “We would have more room in the salon if D just lost some weight”. She had thrown hair brushes at me for not going “fast” enough. I was made to pick up her dog’s sh*t and pick up after her when she would decide to leave her dirty thong in the salon bathroom or spit cherry pits in the sink.

So one day she gave me gum with caffeine in it so I could work “faster and more hours”. I was chewing it when she came up to me and asked “What are you doing? You chew like big cow. Spit out now!” I was working on a client. (My grammar isn’t wrong that’s how she spoke she was Armenian and spent time in Russia then Italy before coming to the States) I spit the gum in her hand. I felt humiliated. She’s the one who gave me the gum so I could work harder! When I finished my client, I cleaned my station and packed anything that belonged to me. She didn’t even notice but her sister did. I was close to her sister. Her sister didn’t want me to leave but said she understood and it wasn’t right how she treated me. I shook the entire way home. Things continued downhill from there.

I couldn’t work and had never saved money. I sold everything I had that was worth any money. I had lost what dignity I had long ago.

No one wants to feel paranoid or like an outcast. I know some of it is in my head but some of it isn’t. It’s hard to tell which is which. People, Places, and Things. Round and round they go, never stopping, always there, like a sore tooth.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

3 responses to “LETTING THE MONSTER OUT *Mature Subject Matter*

  • Rob

    Fascinating view into yourself. I loved every word of it. You tell such a good story. I’m inclined to agree with you on the tags and categories problem is no one for find out shit lol. But I’m with you on that. Thanks for such an enjoyable share today

    Liked by 1 person

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