PEN OBSESSION (HAVE TO BE ERASABLE I MAKE MANY MISTAKES)
This is where I address the Elephant in the room. I admit I am somewhat Obsessive Compulsive about specific topics. Topics like Bullying, Right Fighters, People who try to instruct me on topics I’ve either lived through or have already researched the death out of. How I should stay sober, anyone who hurts animals or children, abuse of any kind, people who don’t listen they just wait for their turn to talk. So I’ll tell you what I know is true because I’ve lived it.
Along with a Bipolar diagnosis, came the frightening words “Psychosis” and “Catatonia” you can add that to the Conversion Disorder diagnosis. It’s all kind of related in a way.
I was in a Depressive State for well over a year. I wan’t leaving the house, I wasn’t talking much and when I did I stuttered badly. I would also tap my hand against my head lightly and repeatedly. My leg never stopped bouncing up and down. I fidgeted with my hands. Then at times I was completely still for hours and wouldn’t hear my dad call my name. I would also sit in the bathroom with the lights off. I would have a beach towel to muffle any noise while I rocked back and forth wailing for hours.
One day he walked into the house to find me standing in our kitchen with a butcher knife pointed into my stomach while I stared out the window. This is what he told me after taking the knife away and shaking my shoulders to get my attention. When I finally looked at him I couldn’t understand why he was crying. That was when I decided I had put him through enough.
TALKING WITH MY DOCTOR (IMPORTANT THINGS TO KNOW)
After the knife incident I made an appointment with my Psychiatrist, Dr. T. I always bring a notebook and a couple of pens (pen fetish & they always run out of ink) with me. One reason is because I have memory problems or “Cognitive Issues”. A plethora of Doctors had grouped together to decide that the cause of these “Issues” boil down to a number of things. The “Encephalopathy” that was causing mild swelling in my brain from a supposed infection in utero. Celiac Disease also causes cognitive problems and just going so many years without a diagnosis causes problems.
What no one told me was that a diagnosis of Psychosis had been made at one point and so had Catatonia. When I came across this on my own I was scared. I didn’t know what to do and it honestly set me back.
When my sister and I were growing up we both knew it was a 50/50 chance one of us would end up like our Auntie Donna or Uncle Jimmy. My sister was more disgusted by the thought than anything. She was ashamed of what people would think. I was scared of being abandoned and no one loving me anymore, not even my sister.
Uncle Jimmy wasn’t too bad. (Diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic at 17) He didn’t want to take medication or live in assisted housing. He wanted to use drugs instead and sleep where he chose to sleep. He had a Social Worker that he checked in with on the same days every month. My mom was the Emergency Contact for him. She was the Emergency Contact for every lost soul, unloved child, or damaged psyche. It’s how she was. Like me, she felt too much. It also took too much from her emotionally.
Auntie Donna was a different story. She had no filter. She was loud and her speech sounded slurred due to her medications. She showed up whenever she wanted to. She would call you “fat”, she was extremely paranoid about many things but mostly her doctors. She always thought they were trying to poison her or rape her. She for some reason thought every man she met was trying to do the same. I’m not sure if that’s something from her childhood or not. One thing that side of the family was good at was their secrets. My mom would spend money on food for her only to go back and find it infested with maggots. The hardest part for me were the insults. (Diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic from age 20)
When I was eventually diagnosed as Bipolar at 36/37 I could almost hear my sister’s sigh of relief.
WHAT THE HELL IS PSYCHOSIS OR CATATONIA EXACTLY? WELL I’LL LET YOU KNOW NEXT TIME. IT PROBABLY ISN’T WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.