Settle in because this might be a long one. I have an extremely messed up family with too many secrets that has contributed to most of our problems. Most of my family also thinks they can do everything on their own without taking help from anyone. Pride always comes before the fall. I admit at times I’m like this. I get more upset when I talk and no one hears me. It’s as if my voice is carried away. They know how much effort it takes for me to have a conversation but it doesn’t matter.
My brother came over last night. When he hugged me I cried. He looked done, sad, older. He didn’t call me back when I tried to reach him before Thanksgiving or after. When I see him and hug him all I feel is enormous pain coming from him. Not one other person in my family does. My twin hasn’t spoken to him since her wedding I don’t think she spoke to him at our mother’s funeral. I do know her husband and my Uncle Billy threatened him at my mom’s funeral when no one was looking.
My mother’s first husband was an alcoholic with severe depression. He also didn’t treat her kindly and cheated on her. The other woman was pregnant around the same time as my mom was with my brother. My mom’s first husband drank until he could barely see one night and drove his car at high rate of speed into a cement barrier on purpose. Not long after my mom gave birth to my brother and named him after his father. A few weeks after that, the other gave birth and named her son the exact same name. My brother was not told any of these details until certain “people” thought he should know.
My mother’s side of the family could be extremely cruel. One of her brother’s was drunk when he said how useless my brother’s father had been and that he had killed himself. Shock #1 for my brother. When he was around 16 and saw his own name in the Newspaper for armed robbery and the guy was the same age as him he asked questions. Shock #2 for my brother. Add in the fact that you had your mom to yourself for 7 years with her crazy ass family and it adds up to whole lot of messed up.
My brother started drinking at 14 and hasn’t stopped. He’s 50 and still doesn’t see it as being a problem. A doctor has already told him about his liver and pancreas but still he doesn’t see a problem. He says alcohol isn’t the problem, his ex wife is. He loved our mother more than anything. If she said his name a certain way and told him to “Knock it the f*ck off” he would. My mom could be a little scary. You should’ve seen her when she didn’t put her dentures in, her hair was all over the place, and she would be wearing a “shortie” nightgown. This is how she looked when she yelled at kids trying to use our yard as a shortcut. That stopped right quick. I didn’t mention she was shaking a broom at them. lol
My brother doesn’t get any understanding or sympathy from my father, sister, or anyone else. Just me. I told my dad last night for the first time that I was ashamed of him.
I said to my dad “Not everyone can quit booze and cigarettes in one day and pretend to be happy for the rest of their lives when they’re not”. He wanted to know what I meant. I said “You might have quit drinking Dad but do you even know why you started? I’ll tell you why. You are socially awkward, you have trouble making friends, you go through depression and panic attacks so bad you swallow your own vomit so no one knows. But I do, I know. You didn’t fix anything. YOU JUST STOPPED DRINKING”.
I also told him I didn’t think it was fair to treat my brother any different because his kind of pain you can’t fix anymore it’s all he knows, it’s all he has to hold on to. He’s lost everything else.
My mom’s love was too big, too great, there’s nothing that equals it. But I did watch my brother’s face light up for a few minutes while he played fetch with Dutch and Dutch, knowing my brother’s pain, hugged and kissed him while my brother laughed like I hadn’t heard in years.
I love you so much Phil. You’ve never been my half brother you’ve been 100%. Some of your children I haven’t decided on yet. lol