I AM THE PRODUCT OF DECEPTION

My mother was never given a diagnosis for a specific Mental Illness. Judging from her past and behavior, I would guess she was Bipolar. I could be wrong, she could’ve had Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s hard to tell because although I’ve researched many topics I do not have a degree and we are blind when it comes to our loved ones.

WHAT I KNOW

My mother was the oldest of seven children. She was often left to care for them on her own. Her mother liked to go out and have fun (play poker, drink, be around men that were not her husband). Her father was an Army man and a Plumber who worked hard but never stood up to his wife. (For the record not many stood up to my Grandmother. She was tall, big boned, and strong as an ox. She was also from the south and used to hard liquor, dealing with men, and getting her way). She was in and out of their lives from months to years at a time leaving my mother to quit school and take care of her siblings. A thankless job.

My mother started to become like her mother. She drank and was often at local bars with various men. This became worse after the suicide of her first husband. I don’t know who she left my brother with. It was at a bar that she first saw my father. She had known about him from Middle School and as the “Navy Guy who beat up the Marine (her brother) at the Bowling Alley. It was love at first sight for her anyway.

Whenever I went anywhere with my Mom she would put the Oldies on the radio and sing along. She had a beautiful voice that fit those songs. The songs would always bring up a memory. Sometimes I think she forgot the person she was talking to was her daughter and probably not old enough to know the information that was given out.

She mentioned having to leave the State we lived in with my brother and going to live in California for a few years. I asked her why. She said because she knew “something” she shouldn’t and a “group” of bad men were mad at her. (Translated this meant she pissed off the Mafia somehow but when a member of the family married someone with ties to the “bad men” she was able to come home). I always knew too much.

She also told me on one ride that she trapped my dad by getting pregnant on purpose. (Unfortunately she even told me where and what song was playing at the time) She my dad panicked halfway through her pregnancy and took off. No one could find him. He came back when we were a few weeks old and never left. He grew to love my mother more than anything in this world. My mother also mentioned that they didn’t get married until we were 5 years old. When she told me this I was around 14. The first thing I thought was “I’m a bastard. My father never wanted me. He only stuck around because he had to.” I pushed all of those thoughts and feelings down for a rainy day. I never told my sister until years later.

It’s strange how things that hurt us come to the surface at strange times. I was drinking one night and came home late. My dad heard me and turned on the lights. He started yelling at me about drinking. I’m not sure what pushed me. Was it him or my mom standing there in her shortie nightgown? I started yelling back at him “Shut up! You never wanted me! Mom trapped you and you took off! I was born a Bastard how fitting! F*ck You!”. I don’t think I have ever personally hurt my father so badly with words before. I vomited for 5 days. The anxiety over what I said to him was tearing me apart.

The only thing he said to me is “You are my world and so is your mother. That’s all that counts. Your mom saved my life, I would be dead without her and you kids. I love you”. I heard him but continued on a path of self destruction anyway. Nothing anyone said was going to stop me.

There was one thing that contributes to my not drinking. It was right before my mother died. She asked me over to her side of the hospital bed. I bent my head down and she said “I’m sorry I f*cked up your life so much” and she cried as she fell asleep. That was the last thing she ever said to me.

Mommy, you never f*cked up my life. I did that by myself. All you did was love me.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

11 responses to “I AM THE PRODUCT OF DECEPTION

  • Rob

    Oh you…you always get to me. What a poignant story, both with sorrow and love. That you look after your dad now speaks volumes to your character and heart. Just as an update they are going with bipolar 1 and borderline personality disorder as diagnosis. 600 mgs lithium is my new vitamin. Best regards

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      See if they will go another way. I know I’m not supposed to advise on medication but lithium isn’t the best option anymore. It’s old school thinking and depending on how much you drank isn’t worth the risk. Didn’t the ask about your alcohol intake and run tests on your liver and kidney function before suggesting lithium? If not MAKE THEM!!! Or I will find out where you are and I will make them. (just kidding but this stuff infuriates me) Please let me know!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Rob

      My liver is perfectly healthy. I was on lithium before. But I was drinking way too much for it to be effective. What other medication is worth me asking about? Someone else said the same thing. But to many lithium is the gold standard apparently?

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Gold standard depending on the age of the Doctor and the last time they looked at research or went to a conference

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      I’ve had many family members on Lithium it’s one of the reasons I refused to go on it. It turned out to be a good thing because I had a Kidney condition

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Lithium changed the way they talked and slowed their thought process and motor function. I didn’t want to be a zombie. 2 of them have been in and out of the hospital because their levels were too high. It’s also one of the cheapest meds and that is the primary reason it’s prescribed as often as it is. I’m doing research now. One because I LOVE RESEARCH! Two my niece is Bipolar/Borderline Personality and she was addicted to Heroin for years but has been clean for years and isn’t on Lithium she’s doing well. Plus I’ve been stuck in my Bedroom all day avoiding my dad. lol

      Liked by 1 person

    • Rob

      Lmao you’re the best. I trust you I really do. I will force them to put me on something better then. FUCK them I served my country they’ll foot the bill. I know you’re not a Dr but you know what your talking about

      Liked by 1 person

    • Rob

      My phone might die on the bus but I’ll check back inna bit

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Okay research is done and I’m going to do it as a post because more people than we know are in the same situation. For fun I took a test online. It said I had a 100% chance of Asperger Syndrome, 86% for Bipolar, and 72% for Borderline Personality. I would’ve been better off having my palm read. lol

      Liked by 1 person

    • Rob

      Lmfao. You’re the best thank you so much

      Liked by 1 person

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