I made sure my pharmacy didn’t give me the Generic version of one of my medications for December. I called them out on the fact that they had been even though I had requested that they didn’t because the Generic has gluten in it. The problem is the Name Brand causes weight loss. I’ve lost 10 pounds in a little over a week. I didn’t want to start hearing how sick I look and I wanted to eat so I skipped it today. Not my best idea.
I think I was going to have problems anyway. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. never a good sign. My mind was racing with memories and things that had been bothering me. One thing specifically is how the people who love me can still have relationships with people who have hurt me beyond repair.
My best friend still sees and talks to the guy who beat me years ago. My sister still talks to my niece who wrote me a vile post that said things I can never forgive her for. My sister also has a good relationship with our ex sister in law who didn’t think her daughter did anything wrong or that she should apologize or talk it out with me. I do take some responsibility here. I did lose my temper with me ex sister in law on several occasions. The problem is my sister was in California and wasn’t here at the time to see how our mother was treated by our ex sister in law.
My niece and ex sister in law have my sister believing my actions are out of jealousy. That my mom spent more time and attention on them and loved them more and I am jealous of the relationship they had. No one wants to listen to my side of things.
Today when I talked to my sister the subject came up, I became defensive and upset. It was downhill from there. One of the biggest problems is that my sister uses our ex sister in law as a babysitter often. If she makes waves she loses her free babysitter. I know my sister better than she does.
She wasn’t here when the ex would call my mother for money. My mother would hide it from my dad and was never paid back. If my mom tried to defend her son in any way my ex sister in law would play games with the kids and not let her see them. My mom would be sick from chemo and she would call to complain about my brother. I would my mom crying and her voice raised. When this kept happening I finally picked up on another phone and told my sister in law “What the hell do you think you are doing? My mom is sick and you keep calling her with this bullshit! We told you not to marry him a hundred times but you did anyway, now DEAL WITH IT! Stop f*cking calling! You are making her worse! I mean it! If I hear her crying again because you called I will be taking a ride to your house and dealing with the situation, do you UNDERSTAND?”. I admit it was a little much and I hadn’t been diagnosed yet and I was still drinking. These are not excuses and I wouldn’t take back what I said. Who calls a woman with lung cancer and puts more stress on her? Plus asks for money? The final straw was when she slapped my mom across the face and kicked her out of their house in the middle of the night.
I was here for all of it. My sister wasn’t. My niece is another story. She is diagnosed with BPD. Her mother told her personal information about me that she used to get to me. It worked. She wrote it was good thing I couldn’t have children, my mother would be rolling over in her grave if she could see what a loser I am, that I need help because I sit on my ass all day complaining instead of doing something like psycho loser I am, no one in the family wants to be around me, they avoid me because of my craziness and because I’m jealous that my mom loved her mom more. Pretty nice kid. Oh, and I should’ve killed myself a long time ago.
Her mother read it and didn’t think it was out of line. I argued with her about that. Sometimes you just can’t win. I stopped trying.
I have to take my medications or all of this will come spilling over and out. My sister only wants happy conversations. Me? I just want to sleep or hide. This is where I would hide.