KIND OF ROTTEN AND INSANE (A Look Inside My Thoughts) *Enter at own risk

Lately I’ve been struggling with trying to use the correct terminology and phrasing so as not to offend anyone. This is exhausting and I will have Carpel Tunnel soon. I am Bipolar, I am an Alcoholic, I have a form of PTSD that is hard to explain, I have multiple health problems that even I don’t understand.

If I personally have what I’m discussing than I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells talking about it. Too many people get upset because I say I am Bipolar. Implying that I let Bipolar Disorder define who I am. Doesn’t it? Really think about it. Due to recent information from my Doctor, “The Team” estimates that I probably started to exhibited signs of Bipolar Disorder as early as 9 years old. I hadn’t told him about rocking back and forth or banging my head when I was little until our last session. He actually wants to do some testing to make sure I have the correct diagnosis or if another diagnosis needs to be added. YAY!!

I’m tired of being a science experiment. My thoughts are always dark. They always have been. Don’t get me wrong, some are humorous, but still dark. Only I would find them funny.

Even my choices in Movies and TV are dark. I have a tendency to always pick Action/Drama/Revenge themes. Anything else I get bored. Give me John Wick, Banshee, Gladiator, Justified, Vikings, In a Valley of Violence, Happy Valley, The Magnificent Seven, Unforgiven, and it goes on and on. If there’s a dog involved like in John Wick, forget it I’m in.

Most of my favorite songs are dark. I never listen to “happy” music. I find comfort in the darkness of things. I don’t know why.

On the other hand I also feel too much and I hate it. There are times I wish I could rip my heart or brain out because the pain is so bad it becomes physical.

I walked in to the kitchen earlier to clean near the bird cages. I said hello to both birds like I always do. When I looked at our Sulphur Crested Cockatoo I saw she had a hole in her chest like she had been shot. I felt sick. I tried to keep her calm so I could get a better look at it. I needed to know if she did it to herself or if there was something in her cage. I told my dad who just sat there and did nothing. They are his birds. I understand he had dialysis today but if a guy came to the door wanting to show or talk pigeons you can bet your ass he would’ve gotten off the couch.

I have a magnifier with a light that I used to look at the wound. I didn’t need the magnifier just the light. When I was done I put my head on the table and cried. No, I didn’t just cry, I sobbed uncontrollably. I then went to my dad and told him “If she did that to herself, YOU WILL HUMANELY EUTHANIZE HER, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? And you will get up and look at the wound NOW!”. Do I like talking to my dad that way? No. But I refuse to let any animal suffer because of an owner’s ignorance or neglect.

When a bird plucks out it’s own chest feather’s it isn’t good to begin with. But she was doing okay. If a bird goes as far as self injury like pecking a giant hole in it’s chest, that is a completely different matter. At this point the bird is usually too far gone to be helped. This is my father’s fault. He won’t listen, he won’t let anyone else help him, and his pride will not only hurt his health but every living thing around him.

I feel like I need to do something away from this environment. But I might need a car. Priorities suck. Screw ’em. I’m not sure how much more I can take. My birthday is coming up, it’s never celebrated, just like Christmas wasn’t, the anniversary of my mom’s death is also coming up, the next few months are always my hardest and this year I’m not sure how I’ll do. Physically I’m not well and losing weight which means I’m not absorbing all my meds correctly. There’s a constant dull ache in my head and I have to tell myself to unclench my jaw every 20 minutes.

Oh well, Happy New Year! Here’s a pic of my cookies.img_20161230_110806_538.jpg

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

6 responses to “KIND OF ROTTEN AND INSANE (A Look Inside My Thoughts) *Enter at own risk

  • chainbreakercorporation

    You are amazing for coping. Give yourself a break. I can relate a lot because my parents are also in denial, and it took me a long time to accept that i will never get validation from them. What you believe about yourself is good enough. Honor your inner voice because noone knows you better than you. I believe what you wrote and i want to thank you for your honesty.
    Feel free to reach out to my blog anytime!

    Liked by 1 person

  • ToadieOdie

    The cookies look fabulous. ❤ The jaw thing I understand. It took me leaving my oldest son's father before I was able to quit doing that. Even then I still catch myself. My heart breaks for the bird even though I know zero about birds. I have no idea why a bird would do that. I had gerbils once and I lost my shit when they started chewing their tails. Trying to find a vet to help them was next to impossible. I couldn't keep them. I do not have pets now. I always feel like I do wrong by them. They are so helpless and dependent on you so if I can't keep my shit together they suffer. I don't like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      It wouldn’t be so bad if my father wasn’t in denial. He became belligerent when I tried to discuss the bird with him. He loves his animals so much that when he subconsciously knows that there’s something seriously wrong he can’t face it. That leaves me. I found some info online but it’s difficult to get near her. She likes to bite. And if she does she can bite down to the bone. My last visit to my GP she asked if I was looking forward Lock Jaw. lol I said “What?!” She gave me a speech about how she told me I should’ve gotten a mouth guard like she suggested years ago and I’m now at the point where it’s possible. I tried to tell her I don’t just clench at night that it’s all day but you know how they are. It might be fun to have my jaw broken, reset and wired shut. Maybe then no one will bother me. lol


    • ToadieOdie

      yuck – to all of it 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  • Rob

    Omg I love peanut butter cookies I want some! Firstly, fuck all the other people judging you. Secondly it seems to me that it is ok for you to get losses at your dad when he’s being ignorant. Thirdly, unclench your jaw! You don’t want to crack a tooth do you? Write On!

    Liked by 1 person

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