I’m Sorry Some Of My Breakdown Landed On You

I had to leave the house today because snow is coming and I didn’t have food I could eat or bottled water and Ginger Ale. I’m picky about both. I only started drinking water when I went into emergency Kidney Failure. I wish I could tell you when that was but I can’t remember. I can’t drink regular soda anymore because of the color. That is one thing I remember the “Team” being extremely specific about. NO DARK TEAS OR COLAS!! I happen to like Ginger Ale because I have a lot of problems with my Gallbladder and stomach. The ginger actually works to settle some of these problems but only if you buy the correct product. Only 1 of the 2 biggest sellers actually has ginger in it. I had to find that out on my own. In order to drink the massive amounts of water I’m supposed to drink it has to be in the freezer for a little bit and can’t be tap water from my State. (Unless I want to damage the one kidney I have left)

I’ve become one of those picky people. I never used to be. Any brand of beer was fine and a shot of anything to go please. But your physical health is connected to your mental health. There’s no getting around it. I have to deal with the malabsorption and malnutrition going on or I won’t be lasting much longer. I am getting very tired and a little out of breath just doing the smallest of the things. That shouldn’t happen at 5’7″ and 137 pounds. (My weight has dropped from 150 since I returned from Florida)

I have this habit of not asking anyone for help. Because of this I get hurt. I try to bring all the grocery bags in at once. In the last couple of months I have fallen 3 times. My father watched me fall all 3 times. It wasn’t until this last time when I face planted and landed on a container of sour cream that then exploded everywhere that he got out of his chair and came to help me. I wasn’t quite awake at the time but woke up when the dog started licking sour cream off of me. My dad could see that I was really hurt this time because the elbows of my shirt stuck to me with blood and so did the knees of my jeans.

Today felt worse than ever for some reason. I couldn’t decide on items I needed. I had a list but none of it made sense. All I really wanted was a cake but there’s never a Gluten Free Cake. I hung on to my carriage while I sank to my knees in the baking aisle and cried. It’s a good thing my hair is so long and hid my face. I’m sure I still looked odd. When I got home I felt nothing but anger. I kicked the door in and broke the hinge. I said the F word in front of my dad. Actually I yelled it for no reason. I was muttering to myself and then crying on the floor. My dad picked me up from the floor and hugged me for a long time.

When I calmed down I made myself some soup and sat next to my dad to watch TV. I felt so much better just being next to him. Then the Chihuahua flung his bone into my bowl of soup and sent it flying everywhere. I don’t think anyone will be surprised if I tell you that I lost it again. (Funny part is there was a dollop of sour cream on top of the soup) I spent an hour cleaning it off of the nice couch. Then I decided I had enough for one day and came upstairs to smoke cigarettes and reflect. I don’t care how bad they are I have bigger issues.  So, anyone watch Hacksaw Ridge? I hope they forgive Mel Gibson in Hollywood. Like none of them have ever done anything a little off? Anyway the movie was brilliant in the way it was shot and didn’t try to force anything on the person watching. I love Vince Vaughn. He can have some mean eyes though. I think him and Jimmy Fallon should do a movie together.

That’s it for me. Goodnight.

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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